An Unlucky Drunken Marriage
by A Lovestruck A2
Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process. Rated for eventual smut. (Fem!JaunexQrow)
1. Ah Shit, Here We Go Again

_**A/N: So, what spawned this heresy? Honestly, a lack of motivation for A Drunken Marriage to Schneeze At, weed, a serious lack of sleep in the past few weeks, and a day off for the first time in forever. FemJaune drunk marriage fic sounded like fun in my stoned state, so there's the birth of this. I'll go to my shame corner now. **_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Ah Shit, Here We Go Again***

Qrow reverted from his bird form and landed in the middle of a dark downtown Vale street. It was the small hours of the morning and he finally got back into the kingdom after another scouting mission for Ozpin to find out more about Salem's plans. So far, it had been a total fucking disaster, to say the least. The Fall Maiden, Amber, had been attacked by a few of Salem's pawns and critically injured. He managed to save her before she was killed by her assailants, but the damage had been done. She was placed immediately in a cryotube that General Ironwood had spent a fortune developing, keeping her alive until they found a suitable replacement maiden to take her spot and train.

The huntsman let out a frustrated sigh and reached for the flask he carried on his person at all times, rooting through the pockets of his black dress pants before his hand finally made contact with it. _'Fucking hell I need a damn drink. This mission was a total disaster. Amber's never going to regain consciousness, Salem's making her moves, and the intel I got suggests that Ozpin's infiltrator isn't just another pawn and is in Beacon. Leo's been too damned quiet lately for my liking, too.' _

He went to take a swig from it; however he didn't get to feel the familiar burn of whiskey pouring down his throat. At first he assumed he was already too drunk to feel it. _'What the hell?'_

He gave the flask a half hearted shake and to his annoyance he found it was empty. Not a single drop of liquor was in it and he was tempted to chuck it across the street in frustration. _'Of all the goddamned nights I could really use a drink, I don't have any of my whiskey on me. Fuck me.'_

Qrow massaged his temples to stave off his nonexistent hangover and slouched over with his hands in his pockets. He'd be able to find a nice bar on the way back to Beacon and leave a message for Ozpin to alert him of the news he was bringing back to the headmaster. He wouldn't be too pleased knowing the mission was a complete bust, but lucky for him Ozpin was someone who was very tolerant and understanding from the centuries he had been alive. That kind of experience taught him patience, something Qrow himself did not have. He was a professional and professional huntsmen like himself was expected to get results.

Qrow ran a hand through his messy black hair and let his feet carry him to the nearest bar. Something told him he was going to need at least four or five drinks to get through this night.

He eventually ended up no longer being in the seedier part of downtown Vale; instead he was in the city's party district, a well known attraction for teenage thrill seekers and huntsmen and huntresses alike. They were drawn to it like moths to a lamp.

Qrow shielded his eyes from the flashing neon lights of the many different nightclubs, biting back a resentful growl. He had been in pretty much all of them during the days of Team STRQ, when he was kicked out of their dorm during their celebratory orgies. He liked to think it was partially their fault he became an alcoholic at a younger age than most. _'I've been in all of these already. They're not serving anything new, either. Fuck.'_

He was about to call it quits early, something he never did, when he caught sight of a new nightclub. One that he not only hadn't been in, but also didn't have those stupid neon lights surrounding it trying to blind him. Loud bass heavy music pounded from within and the huntsman let a smile form on his lips before he crossed the street over to it.

The name of club was drawn in cursive above the doorway in dull red lights and it spelt out _Devil May Cry_. "Huh. Interesting name for a nightclub. Hopefully the drinks are as good as the music."

The doorway was guarded by a heavily built bouncer, his muscular arms exposed for the entire world to see. "You comin' on in?"

"Sure. Could use some drinks." Qrow flashed his scroll to show his identification and the bouncer nodded.

"Go on in and enjoy yourself," he invited.

Qrow took his first steps into the club and looked around. He saw a few dozen others dancing to the music and laughing as they drank, unaware of the danger the world was in. Right now, the huntsman was a little envious of that ignorance. Things were much more simple.

Qrow made a beeline for the bar and took a seat. Within a manner of seconds the bartender zoomed across over to him, a friendly smile on his face. "Hey, welcome to Devil May Cry! What can I get for you?"

"Scotch. Double on the rocks," Qrow requested. "Been a long night." _'Yeah, that's a fuckin' understatement. Tonight has fucking sucked. That goddamned flight took way longer than it should have thanks to air traffic.' _Who the hell ever heard of traffic jams in the fucking air of all places? It wasn't exactly a goddamned single lane highway.

"Coming on up." The bartender grinned and reached for a bottle on the top shelf, bringing out a single glass. He used it to scoop some ice into it before pouring him a drink, sliding it over to him expertly. "Enjoy."

"Thanks." Qrow raised it to his lips and completely downed it in a few quick gulps, having long since built up a tolerance to whiskey in general. He only got drunk when he knew he was going to have a hard time sleeping and this was one of those nights. The shit he had seen would make a lesser man break down into a sniveling mess. Drinking was his way of coping. It wasn't what one would call a good way, but it worked for him and that was all that really mattered.

He set the glass down, smacking his lips, and turned his attention to the dance floor. He wasn't what he would consider to be a good dancer, but he was confident enough in his abilities to woo members of the opposite sex. Nowadays, he picked up a lot more women that Taiyang did. Poor blond bastard couldn't dance to save his life.

He still remembered the incident when he managed to get into bed with that cute rabbit Faunus a few weeks back. His sick moves definitely were the sole reason she pounced on him. It definitely wasn't because he was shirtless the entire time and showing off his toned body to everyone in the vicinity. Nope, definitely was his dancing.

So far, no one was really standing out in the crowd of dancers. One ninja kid and a bubbly orange haired girl were retiring from the dance floor to either cuddle in a chair together or make out, a redheaded girl that looked a lot like Pyrrha Nikos from Mistral, and a cute blonde that was a head shorter than her.

The blonde glanced over at him and met his eyes. They stared at each other for a few seconds before the girl turned her head away abruptly with a bright red blush on her cheeks and Qrow had to resist laughing.

The music paused before changing into another beat and Qrow glanced over at the bartender, a few lien sticking out from between his fingers. The man got the message and subtly nodded, getting another couple of drinks.

He sat down at the bar and closed his eyes, letting himself zone out with the heavy beat echoing in his head. It wasn't his usual taste in music, but it was far better than that one uppity place he visited during a mission in Atlas. They refused to let him in at first because he didn't look rich enough. Pompous uppity bastards. He wasn't giving them his business anytime soon after they did that shit.

Qrow wasn't alone for very long. A few minutes later the cute blonde he spotted earlier on the dancefloor came over and took a seat, pushing some of her long tresses out of her bright blue eyes. "Screwdriver, please?"

"Aren't you a little young to be here?" Qrow asked pointedly, looking at her up and down. Judging by her youthful appearance, she couldn't have been older than a first year at Beacon; he swore they got smaller each year.

"Hey, I'm an adult!" she protested. The bartender snorted in laughter at that.

"Uh huh. Sure you are." Qrow rolled his eyes and downed his second drink of the night. "I'll believe that when Atlas aren't a bunch of arrogant pricks with giant sticks up their asses."

"To be fair, you'd be miserable too if you had to live in the same kingdom as that asshole Jacque Schnee," the bartender said with a shrug. "I'd move in a heartbeat. I don't blame his eldest daughter for joining the military to get out of that house."

Ah, Winter Schnee. Also known as his last score. He had more than a few run ins with the Atlesian Specialist, many of which ended with them both sweaty, tired, and in the same bed. She couldn't stand him as a person and he hated her Schnee arrogance, but sex with her was incredible. He'd deal with it as long as he got to have a drink in hand and a shit eating grin on his face after sleeping with her. No matter how hard she tried, he simply outlasted her every damn time.

The blonde's drink came and she took a hesitant sip. Yeah, she wasn't a heavy drinker like Qrow was. This was probably her first time in a place like this. "Woah…this stuff is good."

To Qrow's surprise she chugged the entire glass in less than ten seconds. He watched in amusement as her eyes glazed over and she let out a drunken giggle. He had to admit, she was kinda cute. But his consciousness wouldn't let him take advantage of her. He was much better than that.

"Hey, can you dance at all?"

At those words, judgment went soaring out the window and Qrow stood up with a smirk. "Can I dance? Blondie, I got moves for days."

That was the last thing he remembered saying before his vision started to go out and the floor rose up to meet him.

* * *

Qrow let out a groan of pain and sat up gingerly, wincing as he felt the bones creaking. "What…what the fuck happened last night?" He was in what appeared to be a decent hotel room, but that wasn't his biggest concern as the thin sheet fell away from his naked chest.

No, it was the fact that he wasn't alone in bed.

Sleeping next to him curled up with her back turned to him was that blonde he met the previous night. Or at least he assumed it was last night; Qrow wasn't a stranger to passing out for several days at a time or waking up naked.

He groaned at the inevitable phone call he was sure to get from Ozpin for this one. The last thing he wanted to deal with first thing in the morning with a splitting headache was a stern lecture from the headmaster about sleeping with his students. Even if they were legal. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me." _'Son of a bitch. I have got to stop this shit.'_

The huntsman got out of bed as cautiously as he could and when he went to run a hand through his messy hair that reeked of sex and alcohol he caught sight of a flash of silver. On his hand was an extra thin silver ring, lined with what appeared to be encrusted rubies. Precious enough to come with a very hefty price tag. "What the…?" _'A ring? Just what the hell happened last night?'_

He stumbled across the room, nearly tripping over a bunched up pile of clothes in the process. A few pieces of paper were scattered on the desk and he took the one on top to see if it could help him remember just what the hell he did with that blonde girl who was still asleep.

_By the authority granted to me as the headmaster of Beacon Academy, I hereby declare Qrow Branwen and Joan Arc to be lawfully married._

Qrow's eyes widened, his face paled, and worst of all, he could feel a sudden sense of murder in the air.

"…I'm going to kill you Ozpin."

_**A/N: Yep. I did it. I'm going to go build my sin throne now and hope to God I don't get publicly executed for this. I'll see you all again! Unless the fandom kills me XD**_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	2. Rude Awakening

_**A/N: So, apparently the FNDM hasn't murdered me yet XD. It is nice to see that this fic has picked up some decent traffic for a first chapter. Now if some of that love could go towards Joan Arc's Legend that would be awesome. **_

_**Excuse me while I continue to build my sin throne while listening to Hollywood Undead.**_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Rude Awakening***

Joan blinked her eyes open with a weak groan of pain, her head pounding as though someone smacked her on the head repeatedly with a mallet. A ton of regret hit her like a wave and she felt a powerful surge of nausea rise from her stomach. "I'm never going drinking again…"

She knew it was a bad idea to listen to Nora's suggestion to make JNPR's bonding session be at a new nightclub. Hell, they all knew it, and yet no one was able to resist the cute puppy dog stare she gave all of them. Joan was definitely going to give her an earful whenever she got back to Beacon.

The blonde was lying in a very comfortable bed and she sat up with a yawn, rubbing her eyes. She froze a few seconds later and all of the color drained from her face. Her eyes widened and she let out a high pitched scream at the sight of a man's toned ass in front of her. "AHHHH!"

The man turned around, failing to conceal any bit of himself. "Oh hey, you're awake."

Joan's blue gaze left his naked chest and stomach, trailing down to the impressive length he had between his legs. Blood rushed to her face at the sight of his manhood and she was sure that she just had a nosebleed.

"Hello? Remnant to Blondie?" The man waved his hand in front of her face, either unaware that he was completely nude or just not caring. "You in there?"

Joan regained her senses and pulled the sheet over her own naked body with a startled meep, blushing furiously and panicking at the thought of having drunken sex with a total stranger. _'Oh my God, oh my God! Did that really happen!? I just slept with someone I don't even know!'_

'_Oh no, Mom's going to kill me!' _

While she was busy panicking about the many different ways her mother would tear her a new one, the man let out a loud yawn and nearly tripped over the pile of clothes that were folded up sloppily on the ground. "Well…great. This is going to be hard as shit to explain. Are you done freaking out now?"

Joan turned to glare at him and chucked the nearest pillow she could grab at him. "No! What the hell happened last night!? Why are we naked in the same bed!?"

"Read it and weep." The man tossed her a crumpled up piece of paper with a snort, blocking the pillow with a lazy flick of the wrist. "By the way, I'm not too thrilled either."

Joan took the paper with a glare and unfolded it to see what the hell this sleazy old (yet handsome) pervert was on about.

_By the authority granted to me as headmaster of Beacon, I hereby declare Qrow Branwen and Joan Arc to be married._

"WHAT!?" she screamed. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE GOT MARRIED!? OZPIN, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"Get in line, Blondie," the huntsman, now known to her as Qrow, said with a grumble. "I have a few choice words for him."

Joan buried her head in her hands, feeling her heart thump rapidly in her chest. Her parents were not going to be happy with her and probably put her ass in a sling for the rest of her life. _'Oh no, oh no, oh no! I just turned eighteen! I can't get married yet! What the hell am I going to do!? What am I going to say to Mom and Dad!?'_

She lifted her head from her hands and blushed again after she once again made eye contact with a very handsome albeit nude man in front of her. "C-can you please get dressed!?" She was just begging for something to go her way at this point.

"What?" Qrow looked down at himself and rubbed the back of his head with an awkward laugh. "Oh, right. That. Sure, let me just find my pants. Where are they again?"

"Real fucking smooth."

"Oh give me a break, will you? It ain't like I had intentions of waking up to this shit."

Joan hugged the blanket tighter around herself until all that was showing was her head poking out from the pile and she tried to keep her eyes from roaming.

"Now, where the hell are my goddamned pants?" he muttered irritably, digging through the pile of clothes while he was still nude. He eventually found them (annoyingly under Joan's skirt) and he let out an annoyed grumble before tugging them on, doing up his belt.

"There, is that better?" he asked sarcastically.

Joan's eyes looked up and down his chest, taking every bit of his toned body. She wouldn't deny that he was attractive; he was very easy on the eyes even with the messy stubble that grew on his jaw and unkempt hair.

'_No! Bad brain!' _she inwardly scolded. _'Now is not the time to be thinking about that! Even if he is good looking, he is a pervert!'_

"Huh. So that's where we got married?" Qrow was looking at another copy of the marriage certificate. "Eh, I've had worse reasons to go there."

"Where did we do it?"

"Apparently we did it in the middle of the Vale Police Station."

If Joan was drinking anything, she was sure that she would have spit it out as fast as she could. "WHAT!? Are you fucking kidding me!?"

She didn't think it could get much worse now. First, she discovered she had drunken sex with someone she didn't even know. But finding out they also got married in front of a police station of all places? Yep, she was definitely in some sort of hell now. A hell she couldn't escape from.

Joan buried her head in her hands and let out a quiet sob. Her life was now ruined all thanks to a stupid mistake she made while in a state of severe intoxication. She didn't know what to do with herself now.

All she knew was that she was royally fucked and she didn't know what she was gonna do. Apart from buying a pregnancy test as soon as she possibly could. She didn't want to get pregnant off of a drunken mistake. It would ruin her dream of becoming a huntress and following in her father's footsteps.

With Qrow now mostly dressed she glared at him and motioned to her clothes. "C-can you at least leave so I can get dressed?"

She felt her clothes smack her in the face and she removed them to glare at the huntsman. "Don't. I'm in no mood for jokes right now."

Qrow merely scoffed and left the room, muttering something under his breath.

The blonde knight made sure the door was closed before she took the covers off and got dressed. The smell of sex and alcohol lingered in her nose and she grimaced as she pulled on her skirt and underwear. She would definitely need to do laundry when she got back to Beacon. If she could get back; she had no idea where the hell she was and Vale was still not a city she was all too familiar with. It was nothing like Ansel.

She finished pulling her shirt over her head when she heard a knock on the door. "Oi, hurry it up in there, Blondie. We have too much shit to do and don't have time sitting around here moping."

"Can't a girl have some goddamned privacy!?" she yelled indignantly. By Oum this man was going to give her a migraine.

"Oh just hurry up already," Qrow grumbled. "I need to find my damn scroll so I can yell at Ozpin for getting us stuck in this predicament."

He did have a point there. Right now, Joan really wanted to give the headmaster a piece of her mind for getting her in this shitty spot. _'I'm gonna wring his damn neck if I get the chance. What the hell was he even thinking, allowing a student to get married!?'_

She really didn't see how things could get any worse. She was married to someone she didn't know, had drunk sex, and had no idea where she was.

Qrow walked in once she was finished getting dressed and looked down at the bed. "I found our scrolls. And just when I thought shit couldn't get any worse, it did."

"Why?"

"Look."

Qrow pointed and there were their scrolls, sticky with an assortment of bodily fluids. "That's why."

Joan sank to her knees and groaned. Scrolls weren't cheap by any means and it would take quite a few lien to replace hers. She doubted cleaning it was an option.

She wanted to yell at Qrow and tell him it was all his fault she ended up in this mess, but she knew it wasn't. At least not entirely. She had a hand in it as well, getting drunk when she knew she didn't inherit her father's amazing alcohol tolerance. She was drunk after only one drink, whereas her father could chug liquor all day and only get a small buzz.

Still, she had an urge to slap the man for ruining her first time like that.

"If you want to hit me, go on ahead," he invited as if he could read her mind. "Won't change anything though."

Despite knowing that it wouldn't do anything but give her a bit of satisfaction, she was tempted to take him up on his offer. _'Can't believe the first time I have sex is like this. I had something much more romantic in my head.' _

The blonde hung her head with a sigh and carefully picked out her scroll, looking at it in disgust. "Ugh. This smell is gonna be stuck in my nose for days."

"Could be worse." Qrow shrugged and wiped his off with a rag he found on the floor. "Could stink like beer and piss." If she weren't stuck in a living hell, she would have laughed at the thought.

Joan decided not to hit him and settled for giving him dirty looks for now. _'No point in it, as much as I want to. Ugh, this sucks!'_

She kicked the ground with a grumble and looked at him. "So, what are we going to do?"

"First things first, we go to Ozpin and get some fucking answers." Qrow scowled at that bit. "Then we get this shit fixed. I ain't marrying a kid."

"The hell is that supposed to mean!?"

"Means I'm old enough to be your damn dad, Short Stack."

"What's with all the nicknames!? You can at least call me by name!" Joan snapped. "It's Joan! Short, sweet, rolls off the tongue nicely?"

"Eh, Short Stack is much easier for me to say." Qrow smirked and slicked his bangs back before he opened up his scroll, presumably to dial Ozpin and yell at him. He held it up to his ear and let it ring, however he got no answer. "What the hell are you doing, Ozpin? You're always awake at this hour…"

Joan looked at him and folded her arms. "Not answering probably because he knew he fucked up."

Little did she know that she was right. Partially.

* * *

Ozpin let out a groan of agony and lifted his head up from what felt like a giant soft pillow. "What the…what happened?"

He turned to his right and started to sweat nervously. "Um…hi?"

Next to him, completely naked and with an amused predatory glint in her dark eyes, laid his ex wife who had attempted to murder him on more than one occasion. "Hello, Ozma. Such an embarrassing spot to find yourself in."

"Oh fuck me."

"Already did that."

Ozpin reached for his cane to defend himself, only to find that his hands were completely tied to the bed and he was silently wishing he didn't agree to try out Port's new liquor as Salem mounted him with a husky purr.

"Don't think you're going anywhere anytime soon," Salem purred. "You and I have a lot of catching up to do."

Yep, today already sucked for the immortal headmaster.

Though secretly he did enjoy looking at Salem's ass again.

_**A/N: Oh yes Ozpin. You done fucked up lol. The idea of Salem and Ozma getting back together for nothing more than sex came to me when I was talking to a buddy and he was like, "What if everything's just a lie and secretly they have like some sort of fuckin' hate-fuck relationship?"**_

_**I decided to run with it. *continues building sin throne***_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	3. Aftermath

_**A/N: Well, time for chapter 3 people. This one is been bothering me a little bit with my inability to sometimes write for it and I want to get on track with it. Especially since I had some free time open up for me with a story getting finished. **_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Aftermath***

While Ozpin was refusing to answer his scroll, Joan was following Qrow through the streets of Vale with her head down in an attempt to keep the sun out of her eyes. The bright light gave her a killer headache and she let out a weak groan of protest as she felt her stomach churn. "Ugh…I think I might be sick…" _'Never doing this again, no matter what Nora says. Drinking is a terrible idea and leads you to do stupid shit.'_

"Hey, don't throw up on the fuckin' street now," Qrow shot over his shoulder, red eyes narrowed. "Someone has to actually clean that shit up."

"Oh fucking bite me…" Joan groaned again and held a hand over her mouth as her stomach churned again. _'Oh shit, I'm actually going to throw up!' _Her eyes searched for the nearest trash can to relief the contents of her stomach and she found a metal one sitting by itself on the corner of the street. With her hand covering her mouth she wobbled over to it as fast as she could. She had never been so happy to see a garbage can in her entire life.

"Easy there, Blondie," Qrow murmured. He at least had the decency to hold her hair back as she doubled over and threw up the contents of the previous night. "Damn you are a fucking lightweight. Don't they teach you kids how to hold your shit?"

"Fuck…off…" Joan said between wheezes, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Her headache made her feel dizzier and dizzier with each passing moment and she could feel her legs start to buckle.

She tried to steady herself, her hands firmly gripping the cold metal of the can, but her world still swam around her and she could feel herself slipping. _'Goddammit, this is the worst.' _She wanted to let her head crash onto a pillow the second she got back to her dorm at Beacon and just pass out until next weekend. _'And then, I'm going to deprive Nora of pancakes for a month as punishment. Fuck this.' _

Qrow put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. "Kiddo, you're not going anywhere in your current state. Climb up; I'll carry you back."

"I'm fine." She really didn't want to accept help from him, not after everything that happened in (what she presumed was) the last twenty four hours.

"Like hell you are." Qrow narrowed his pale eyes and crouched down. Before Joan could utter another protest she was scooped up onto his back, her head nestled into the back of his neck. She could hear him mutter something about damn kids needing to know when to get drunk and when not to, and though she wanted to retort, she was afraid that if she opened her mouth she'd throw up again. So instead, she shut her mouth and let her head go limp.

Either way, once she got back to Beacon and recovered from her hangover, she was going to murder Ozpin and Nora.

'_Now that I think about it…where the hell did Nora and the rest run off to?'_

* * *

Pyrrha looked at the nude heiress, her cheeks bright red, and the normally composed champion was unable to form words properly to describe her situation. She had woken up to find herself naked in the same bed with Weiss Schnee, though she had little to no recollection of the event.

Sadly, the heiress appeared to have remembered everything.

Weiss was also blushing heavily, but she was at least capable of speaking. She covered her petite body with a pale sheet and narrowed her eyes. "Pyrrha. Under no circumstances does this get out. What we did last night is…does not leave the two of us. Is that clear?"

Pyrrha silently nodded yes, still unable to really speak.

"Good. Now help me find my clothes before Yang worries I've been kidnapped and sends the entire police looking for me."

* * *

Ren hummed a cheerful tune as he flipped over a stack of pancakes, his long hair free of its usual ponytail. When he woke up after last night's activities that he knew he would refuse to tell anyone about, he found he had another pink stripe in his hair and several splotches of pink lipstick on his chest. He wasn't particularly surprised or bothered. He knew Nora.

Nor was he surprised that the bar they had been in last night was already suffering structural damage. He did warn Joan that Nora was chaotic and that going with her choice for a team bonding exercise was only going to end in disaster. But Nora's sad eye stare made the blonde knight crack and she reluctantly agreed.

He had a heck of a headache that pounded away in his head but he was mostly fine, and he didn't feel nauseous at all. Overall, he considered himself lucky to wake up without immediately wanting to clutch the porcelain throne.

Ren felt a pair of arms wrap around his body and soft breasts pressing into his bare back. "So, you couldn't wait, huh?"

Nora giggled and squeezed his shoulders. "Nope. Not when you're making delicious pancakes~. They're the most important meal of the day!"

Ren merely shook his head flipped the pancakes again, lightly browning them before sliding them onto a plate. To no surprise, Nora pounced on them in a second, hungrily devouring the stack in little less than five minutes. Ren was placing his bets on it being only three.

He did have to wonder what the hell happened to rest of his team after they went their separate ways. Pyrrha was drunkenly giggling about something incomprehensible and Joan disappeared into the night with some old drunk in a cape after the two started dancing. _'If any of them are conscious right now, it would be Pyrrha.' _He hadn't heard anything from Joan, which was a little worrying, but she was their team leader and could easily handle herself if needed.

He fended off Nora trying to attack hug him and fished out his scroll, dialing Pyrrha's number. It rang for a few seconds before she picked up and spoke hesitantly. _"H-hello?"_

"Hey Pyrrha. It's Ren."

"_Ren! Oh thank goodness you're alright. Where are you and Nora at!? I haven't heard anything from Joan at all after last night!"_

Ren frowned. That was a little worrying. Usually if she was in trouble, Joan wouldn't hesitate to call her partner. Either she lost her scroll somehow or she was in big enough trouble that she couldn't get it. "Me neither. Nora and I are at Celestial Tower in downtown Vale." He peered out the window. "Actually, speak of the devil and he'll appear. I see Joan right now."

"_Oh thank Oum!"_

"…she is currently unconscious and being carried by the guy she left with last night."

"_Oh for…I'm on my way." _Pyrrha hung up abruptly and Ren let out a sigh. Yep, he was going to scold the blonde when he got his hands on her. Though if the way she was being carried was any indication, she was really not in the physical state to be lectured about why listening to Nora was possibly the biggest mistake she's made as team leader.

"Hey, Nora, can you do me a favor and put on some water for tea?" he asked kindly instead. "I'm afraid someone is going to need it."

"What about class?" she asked thickly through a mouthful of pancake.

"It's Sunday. We don't have classes today." He double checked their schedule on his scroll just to be sure. He was right. "We're free for the day. Good thing, too. We all need time to recover from…that adventure that was called last night." He really didn't think he'd ever forget the way Joan and the man she was with were dancing anytime soon.

Ren walked downstairs, fully confident that Nora wouldn't be able to destroy the hotel completely in the time it took him to open the door. Normally, it would be disastrous to leave her alone. But she was guaranteed to be occupied with pancakes for the next five minutes, which was more than enough time to get Joan in the house and have her sleep off her hangover.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs to open the door, he could hear sick groaning from outside. _'Poor girl. Looks like she can't handle her drink like me or Nora can. But she'll use this experience to not make that mistake again, I hope.' _

Even if he felt a little sympathetic, he still had to give her a proper chewing out. That is if Pyrrha didn't beat him to it.

He opened the door to greet his team leader. "Joan! Thank goodness you're alright!"

The man carrying her looked at him with a confused look. "You part of her team, kid?"

"Yes."

"Good. Take her, will you? I have to yell at your headmaster."

Ren started to sweat a little as the man pried Joan off of his back and shoved her towards him with as much grace as a bull in a china shop. "Um…can I ask why?"

"You don't wanna know, kid. Trust me on this," he replied seriously, his tone brooking no argument. "If that's all, I'll take my leave." He stormed off in a hurry, leaving the two alone.

Ren gave Joan's back a gentle rub, escorting the barely conscious blonde up the few steps and into the building. "Alright, come on. I had Nora put some tea on for you. How are you feeling after last night?"

"Like shit," Joan said with a weak rasp, groaning in pain and clutching her stomach. "Everything hurts…"

"Then I'll do you a favor and not tell you, 'I told you so'." Ren smirked a little as he assisted his incapacitated team leader up to the kitchen. He could hear the sounds of water being poured and sent a silent prayer that Nora had enough sense to pour some tea.

"Ughhhhhh…I wanna die," Joan moaned. "Ren, do me a favor and shoot me already, please? I'd be grateful. Do it right and you won't have to worry about getting blood on you."

"No can do. I don't think Nora or Pyrrha would like that." Ren chuckled and patted her back. "Come on, shake it off. Try using your aura."

"I did."

"And?"

"I nearly fell face first into a garbage can that I just threw up in," she answered dryly, lifting her head with a hint of a scowl. "I could probably sleep for an eternity right now if I wanted to."

"And you will. But have a cup of tea first," Ren insisted. "It'll help your hangover a little and not make you feel like vomiting everywhere."

Joan stumbled a little, but with her teammate guiding her, she was able to make her way into a nice comfortable chair and tried to weakly smile at a beaming Nora. "H-hey Nora…"

"There's our fearless leader!" Nora cackled and nearly swatted her onto her back with a friendly thump. "Where were you?"

"…can this wait until I'm not hungover?"

"Nope~."

"Nora, not now," Ren pleaded. "She'll tell us when she's feeling better. Won't you?" He gave his leader a knowing look.

"Y-yep." She covered her mouth briefly and swallowed. "False alarm. Probably."

Ren only sighed and rubbed his temples before he handed her a steaming mug. "Bathroom is down the hall on your right if you feel the need."

He had a feeling today was going to be a long day. He glanced at his scroll to see the time and noticed that it was only ten thirty in the morning. He went into the kitchen to make himself a pot of coffee and heard a nauseous burp and someone sprinting to the bathroom.

Yep, he was going to need that caffeine today to deal with this. He just hoped Pyrrha could get here soon.

"Nora! Stop eating the pancake batter!"

_**A/N: Sorry it took so long. Have not had a whole lot of motivation recently thanks to some things in my personal life that have happened and needed a little bit of time. But I felt the need to churn one out. **_

_**So, Pyrrha and Weiss? Really, Strife? **_

_**Yes. That came from a smut comic of them that I found. I thought it would be funny. **_

_**Cal II 141#5371**_


	4. Confession

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter four. Figured it's been enough of a delay XD. But it's time to answer a very important question that has been asked. When does this story take place? **_

_**During the beginning of Volume 3, but more of an AU of it. So there will be a lot of fuckery involved. Especially since Yang and Ruby don't know Qrow is in town to watch the Vytal Festival. **_

_**Also, the change in username is to reflect my love of NieR Automata. Epic game and if you've got a PS4, I highly recommend it. Be prepared for a lot of heartbreak though.**_

_**December 17 edit: I edited this chapter to change up some shit, as some of you guys really had a point…**_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Confession***

Qrow was in his usual slouch when the door to Ozpin's office pinged, fully prepared to yell at the headmaster for the predicament he had gotten him into with a damn student. The huntsman was about to let out a stream of curses that would make a Mistrali pirate jealous when his jaw dropped to the ground at the sight in front of him. "What…what the hell…"

Ozpin was tied down to his desk and completely nude, but that wasn't the immediate problem. No, the goliath in the room was the evil queen of despair currently bouncing on Ozpin's manhood like it was the best feeling in the world. "H-ha~! Don't stop Ozma~!"

Qrow checked his pockets for his flask and was ever so grateful when his fingers brushed against the cold metal. He took it out, shook it to check its contents, and pulled off the cap to take a massive chug. _'Nope, nope, nope, nope, and nope. No way. Nada. Negative.'_

He refused to believe that he was witnessing Ozpin and Salem having sex. _'Nope. I'm not drunk enough for this shit. Nope. I'm done.' _To hell with yelling at the headmaster about marrying him to a student. He was too sober for this and planned on rectifying that.

Qrow turned around and started to make his way back to the elevator when he heard Ozpin call out. "U-um, Qrow? This isn't what it looks like, I swear!"

Qrow faced the headmaster with a scowl, folding his arms and trying not to look at Salem's bouncing breasts as she continued to ride Ozpin. "Really? Because it looks to me like you're having sex with our enemy. What was the one rule I told you?" _'Apart from cutting back on the coffee.'_

"Um…is now really the time!? Kinda busy here…" Ozpin asked pleadingly, not bothering with struggling against the rope binding his hands together.

"Don't stick your dick in crazy." Qrow ignored him, stalking over to them with a hand on Harbinger's handle. "Now, give me one good reason why I shouldn't run her through right now?"

"Because I am enjoying my ex-husband? And he's enjoying me?" Salem asked dryly, her dark eyes narrowed. "And because it wouldn't amount to much. If I could be killed by such brutish methods, I'd have been dead centuries ago."

"Besides," she added, slamming her hips fully down on Ozpin and making both of them moan out. "Don't act like this is the strangest thing you've seen today. Or that you're not enjoying this."

Her hand reached out to scrape his stubble and he shivered, the temperature of the office seemingly dropping a few degrees. _'No, no, bad! This is Salem! Our enemy!' _

'…_and she's got a nice ass. Fuck I'm not drunk enough for this.' _

Qrow looked at both immortal lovers and sighed, rubbing his temples. "And what's to stop you from murdering us like you've done countless times before? I'm not stupid. There has to be something you want." _'How the hell did she even end up in Vale without anyone noticing!? The entire city should've been in a panic!'_

Now that he thought of it, Salem had every opportunity to summon a horde of Grimm and crush Beacon right now. So why the hell wasn't she? She could kill both of them and take the Relic of Choice very easily. He didn't know why she wasn't seizing the opportunity and he definitely did not like this one bit. His huntsman senses were screaming at him to leave and call James to bombard the tower with every airship he had at his disposal.

His dick though was singing a different tune and he cursed himself for it.

"You know, Qrow, you look like you could really use a break after last night's activities." Gods, he wanted to smack that shit eating smirk right off of Ozpin's face. He was enjoying this too, the bastard. "And I can assure you that Salem is more than willing right now." One look at Salem's blissful expression was enough to prove that.

"I…I can't deal with this right now." Qrow shook his head and shifted his pants so that Salem wouldn't notice the growing bulge. "This is ridiculous and would warrant my execution. Not to mention I'm married now thanks to you." Ozpin was not getting out of that one so easily.

"Oh, he told me all about that." Salem groaned out as Ozpin smacked his hips against her glorious rear. "A cute little thing by the name of Joan Arc."

"Shut up Salem." Qrow gritted his teeth. He did not want to be reminded of sleeping with a student. Again. James still wasn't pleased with him banging one of his fourth year students last year.

"Qrow. Look at me."

"I'd rather not. Not while you're naked."

"Qrow." Ozpin narrowed his eyes. "For the love of Oum. Get. Your. Ass. Over. Here."

If it weren't for the slightly murderous aura the headmaster was emitting, Qrow would've been a smartass and backed towards him with his rear end jutting out. But he decided that he actually valued his life somewhat and approached him, pinching his brow with a reluctant sigh. "I am not drunk enough for this, I swear…"

"Good." Ozpin's expression changed to that of a triumphant smirk and he looked at Salem. "Now enjoy yourself."

Qrow opened his mouth to snap out with a nasty remark, but his mouth was soon bombarded by Salem's. His body froze and his eyes widened in both horror and shock. He was a huntsman, a hero supposed to help people, and here he was making out with the Queen of Grimm.

James would kill him if word of this got out. _'Well then, you best be sure that this doesn't get out.' _

He hated it when his dick did the talking instead of his brain. Not that it could do much with the amount of alcohol he consumed on a daily basis, but still. He did not want to talk with his dick.

And right now, it was talking very, very loudly. His pants became tight and uncomfortable and he let out a grumble that Salem probably took as a moan. The dark goddess reached down to grip his hardening manhood and he groaned out.

"A-aren't you two supposed to, you know, hate each other?" The possibility of him getting out of this was nonexistent now. Salem had him. Still, it couldn't hurt to try. Maybe his semblance would kick in.

"True." Salem shrugged. "However I found over time, Ozpin was right about a lot of things. I just didn't want to admit it then for I was still angry at the Gods. But now? Now, he and I have…come to an understanding of sorts."

"And that is…?"

"The Gods can go fuck themselves. They're assholes."

Qrow pinched his brow. Real smooth. "Thank you, Ozpin. May I remind you that I am married and this is technically wrong? On more levels than I can be bothered to list?"

"This doesn't seem to agree with you." Salem smirked and her grip on his firm length got a tad bit tighter. "Besides, it's not like you actually have a relationship with the girl."

"Apart from getting drunk and marrying her, of course," Ozpin added cheekily.

"Ozpin, do not help her." Qrow facepalmed. "And that is another thing I want to yell at you about. Why the hell did you let us get married?"

"Um…" Ozpin gave him a nervous chuckle. "Salem? A little help?"

"Oh no. You're completely on your own with this one." Salem smirked and continued to enjoy her ex husband. "So, Drunk Bird—"

"It's Qrow." He gritted his teeth. "Bitch."

"Asshole," Ozpin muttered.

"Shut up Ozpin." Qrow glared at him. "Explain. NOW."

"Um…I was drunk?" Ozpin tried.

Qrow looked at his weapon and back at Ozpin. Weapon, Ozpin. He sighed and walked back towards the elevator. "Call me when you're done. I'm hitting the fucking bar."

'_I am seriously not drunk enough for this. Hopefully Joan has it better.'_

* * *

When Joan woke up, the first thing she remembered doing was crawling over to the bathroom to once again release the contents of her stomach. The second?

The second thing was the regret of listening to Nora. Let's go to a nightclub, she said. It'll be fun, she claimed.

Yeah, riiiiiiight. Note to self, don't ever listen to Nora again.

Joan groaned and stood up on wobbly knees, clutching the sink for support to prevent from once again falling over. Her hair was a matted mess and she stumbled out of the bathroom to greet both Ren and Nora. "H-hey guys…"

"Ah, hello there Joan," Ren replied cheerfully. "Have a good rest?"

"Somewhat. Still feel like shit though," the blonde answered, rubbing her forehead to hopefully ease away her headache. "What I wouldn't do for a bottle of painkillers and a hot bath right now."

"I have some left. Take only two of them," Ren warned, handing her a small bottle of pills. "Pyrrha's on her way too and should be here in any minute."

Joan groaned at the thought of having to deal with the lecture her partner was sure to give her for this. She hadn't even told everyone the bad news of her getting drunkenly married yet. She winced; she could feel the swats on the back of her head by both Pyrrha and Nora. Not only that, but she wasn't even sure if she could get a divorce. _'Definitely not how I planned on spending my time at Beacon. If one told me I'd get married to some drunken excuse of a huntsman, I'd have smacked them.'_

Hell, she still wanted to smack Qrow even though it wouldn't change a damn thing. _'Goddammit this sucks.' _

Joan opened the bottle and popped two of the red pills into her mouth, swallowing them easily. Her aura was active and trying to reduce the pain she was in, and she was thankful for having such massive reserves of it. She probably had more than anyone else in their year, being able to tank hits that would floor even Nora.

She stood up straighter and rubbed her headache with a sigh when she heard another door open. "Ah shit." _'And that's Pyrrha here. She is going to have my ass in a sling now.' _

Her partner was standing across the kitchen from her, her hair slightly disheveled and a few splotches of lipstick on her neck. Joan gave a nervous laugh and waved half heartedly. "Um, hey?"

Pyrrha closed the distance in two bounds and wrapped the blonde in a bone crushing hug, making her squeak. "Gods, I was worried about you! Where were you last night!?"

Joan tapped her partner's arm, her face changing color from the lack of oxygen. "A-air!"

"O-oh! Sorry!" Pyrrha let her go and Joan gasped for breath, panting heavily.

Joan took a seat at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands. "Ugh…where do I even start explaining what happened? So, I'm sure you guys all remember that guy I was dancing with, right?"

Three nods confirmed yes.

"Well, I don't remember much else," she confessed. "When I came to, I was in a hotel room with him naked and this new piece of jewelry to go along with a marriage certificate." She showed off the wedding ring that now adorned her finger.

…

"So how was he in bed?" Nora asked after an awkward silence that felt a lot longer than ten seconds.

"Nora!" Joan and Pyrrha shouted at the same time, the blonde glowering at her. "This is serious! How the hell can I expect to continue to train as a huntress!? I'm now married to some huntsman!"

"What's his name?" Pyrrha asked. "Chances are someone will know who he is."

"Qrow. Qrow Branwen."

Nora's smirk grew wider and Ren facepalmed. Joan started to sweat a little at their reactions and could tell that this was not good news for her. "W-what's with those looks?"

"Joan…do you not know who that is?" Ren asked. "He's one of the world's most elite huntsmen. Every kingdom knows who he is. And…"

"What?"

"He's Ruby and Yang's uncle."

Joan's eyes widened in horror as the realization sunk in and she slumped down in her seat until her head was barely poking above it. "Y-you mean…I'm…?"

"Yep. Not only did you drunkenly marry one of the best huntsmen in the world, but you are now Ruby and Yang's new aunt. Congratulations." Ren took a sip of tea to hide his smirk while Pyrrha blushed.

Joan promptly fell on the ground with a groan. _'Why? Why the hell did it have to be me!? I swear if those two hear about this, I'll never hear the end of it.' _

She got back up with assistance from Pyrrha and dusted herself off, taking a breath. Okay, things looked like shit, but she was team leader for a reason. She could handle it. "Right. Two things. One; what was said does not leave the four of us. I do not need to hear the teasing from Ruby and Yang."

"And the second thing?" Ren asked.

"Nora, you're banned from pancakes for a month." Joan glared at the bubbly hammer wielder.

"NOOOOOO!"

"And I'm never listening to your suggestions for a team bonding exercise again."

Well…it was a start, at least. She hoped Ozpin was getting chewed out by Qrow for landing them in this predicament.

_**A/N: And so ends this chapter. Will Ruby and Yang find out about their new aunt? Yes. Oh yes. Most definitely. This wouldn't be any fun if I didn't have them find out XD See you all again soon!**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	5. This Hate

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter five. In case you were not aware, I looked back on the feedback and admitted that a few reviewers were right. Having that sex scene really was a mistake. I have since edited chapter four to completely exclude Qrow from that. It really does not fit. Fuck I'm an idiot.**_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***This Hate***

If there was one thing Joan hated more than getting smacked around in combat class, it was getting chewed out by her partner. Especially when it was something she should've known from the beginning.

Pyrrha paced in front of her, her arms clasped firmly behind her back. "Right. So, what was the one thing I told you before we went out?"

"Um…" Joan scratched the back of her head. "Was it to not listen to Nora? Because I think I've worked that out for myself now, funnily enough." _'Yikes, she is as scary as Saphron when she's angry.' _She could see the similarities between them the more Pyrrha paced and was sure that any minute now her partner would point some kind of object at her in a threatening manner.

To be fair, she completely deserved it. Pyrrha and Ren both warned her. They knew Nora was catastrophic in the best of moods thanks to her ridiculous energy levels. But Drunk Nora?

Drunk Nora was something that would keep Peter Port awake at night cowering in his hole with his pet cow Edgar.

"It was to be responsible!" Pyrrha's eyes narrowed and she glared at her, making the blonde shrink where she sat. "And what did you do? You went off with one of the most renowned huntsmen in all of Remnant and got drunkenly married!"

"It's not like I intended to…" Joan mumbled, kicking the ground. "It just…kind of happened?"

"Not an excuse, Joan."

"I know that, alright!?" Joan yelled, feeling the frustration at her situation get the better of her. "I fucking _know_! And I don't know what the hell do make this right! Do I go on with it!? Do we try and split up so we don't have to have it hanging over our heads!? I don't know!"

She buried her head in her hands and let out a quiet sob. "I don't know what to do, and I hate it!"

"That's not for me to decide," Pyrrha replied, rubbing her shoulders. "That's a decision both you and Mr. Branwen need to make. It's out of my hands. But if you want my advice, I'll give it to you."

"What?" Joan lifted her head, looking at her with puffy red eyes.

"I say you and him talk to each other respectfully about it and decide where to go from there," Pyrrha said. "You never know, you might find you want to continue it. Or you might both agree to end it. Either way, you need to make up your mind so both of you aren't stressing out over it."

"Ha." Joan wanted to scoff at that. "Do you seriously think Qrow is stressing himself out over this? Come on Pyr, don't be dumb. He doesn't give a fuck about this." _'Him, care? Please. What a damn joke. That dirty old man doesn't care about anything besides swinging his sword and bedding women while drunk.'_

"I guarantee you you'd be surprised." Her partner shrugged. "He may be a dashing drunken swordsman who has done more dangerous missions than any other huntsman in the past decade, but he also used to be a teacher at Signal Academy. Who do you think taught Ruby how to use a scythe?"

"How do you even know all of that?"

"Joan, don't you pay any sort of attention to the stories Ruby tells us during lunch?"

Oh. Well fuck.

Joan's awkward chuckle and embarrassed face was all Pyrrha needed to know that the blonde had long since stopped listening, mainly to her quite brooding of being the worst on Team JNPR. True, her massive aura reserves enabled her to take a lot more punishment than anyone else in their year, but her other combat capabilities paled in comparison. Compared to Ren or Pyrrha, she was a potato.

She let her head crash with a groan. "Pyrrha? Why the hell am I the worst leader ever?"

"Joan, I—"

"Rhetorical question. Both of us know why. Hell the entire team does."

She lifted her head and sighed. "Come on, Pyr. I was barely able to beat Cardin last week, and that was more down to sheer dumb luck. I'd have lost if the ice dust hadn't frozen half the floor and he smacked facefirst into my shield." The orange haired boy was still pissed off about that loss and wouldn't stop ranting and raving about how he would get his revenge.

"But it was still nice to see something go your way for once." Pyrrha patted her back. "And you didn't just charge headfirst in; you were patient and let him come to you."

She was right about that. Joan had used her head in that last match, relying on her mobility to constantly evade his heavier blows and absorbing the smaller ones with her shield. But her attempts to use ice dust to slow him down didn't work; she missed the spell entirely and hit the floor. It was pure luck that Cardin slipped on the frozen surface and crashed into her shield, knocking him out cold.

"Ha, get it? Out cold? Because of the ice?"

"GET OUT!"

* * *

"Wow, good one!" Yang exclaimed excitedly. She looked around to see who made the awful pun, only to see she was completely alone.

"Huh…that's weird. Could've sworn someone said something…" Yang scratched her head and continued on her way to steal Weiss's notes. She had a mission to see through and if she did it right, the Weisscream Cone wouldn't know what hit her binder.

* * *

Qrow sighed as he walked into Port's office, his flask full to the brim. "Pete? Ya in there?"

The moustached professor poked his head out of a hole he carved into the floor, laughing. "Why, Qrow! How good to see you again, old chap! Still upset about Taiyang making you wear a skirt?"

"Nope. Nowadays I get laid more than him, so it evens it out." Qrow smirked and took a swig from his flask. "Pete, I wanna ask you something…"

"Confess to me your strife, sir!" Port boomed.

"Well…" Qrow scratched the back of his head. "I may have gotten myself into a rather…unprecedented position. You can probably guess by this shiny piece of new jewelry I have." He showed off his wedding ring.

Port's jaw dropped. "You…you got married!? To who!? And why was I not invited to the wedding!? Am I not one of your most trusted friends!?"

"No, Pete. It's not that." Qrow rolled his eyes and stopped the man before he could go any further. "It happened last night and because I was drunk as hell. I was hoping you could give me tips on how to deal with her. She wasn't too happy with me this morning." _'That's putting it lightly. Joan looked like she wanted to kill me.' _

"Qrow, I keep telling you that a woman of refined taste such as Winter Schnee simply does not find humble and handsome huntsmen attractive." Port chuckled.

"It's not Winter. For the love of God, stop listening to Ozpin and take down the fucking betting chart." Qrow rolled his eyes. _'Why does everyone think Winter and I are going to get together? She's got too far of a stick up her ass.' _

"Or her mother."

"That was one night! And Willow even agreed that it was to shame Jacque!"

"Sure. Keep telling yourself that." Port smirked. "Once you taste Atlas, you never go back."

"Shut up, Peter." Qrow groaned and rubbed his temples. He was not drunk enough to deal with this. "She's not from Atlas. At least I think she isn't? Hell if I fucking know."

"Oh? Now this is interesting. Please, continue. Who is your lovely wife who I have not met?" Port's curiosity got to him now.

"It's one of your fucking students," Qrow answered dryly. "Specifically, Joan Arc."

…

"You're joking, right?" Port asked semi-hopefully. "This is just another one of your japes?"

"I fuckin' wish." Qrow snorted and pulled out the marriage certificate that reeked of an unusual combination of sex and alcohol. "Read it and weep."

Port read it multiple times as if he refused to believe it was an authentic marriage certificate and his large moustache ruffled. "This…I cannot believe Ozpin would do such a thing!"

"I know. Tell me about it." Qrow slumped into the nearest chair with a groan. "He married me to one of his goddamn students."

"No, I mean refusing to invite me!" Port exclaimed. "That is an outrage! Wouldn't you agree, Edgar?"

A cow lifted its head out from the hole Port was digging and mooed in response.

Whatever was left of Qrow's sanity promptly left and flew out the window. Quick recap of the day for him so far.

Wake up to find himself drunkenly married to a student because of Ozpin (Even though he had to admit she was a cute one).

Walked in on Ozpin having sex with their greatest enemy.

Having said enemy promptly claim she's no longer interested in murdering them all for her enjoyment and goes so far as to (unsuccessfully) rope Qrow in for a threesome.

Port now has a cow named Edgar living in the floor of his office.

Yep, today was a fucking nightmare for his rattled sanity. He was sure that somewhere, Raven was laughing her ass off at his predicament.

'_You know what, I don't hate my life. I hate everyone else's. I wish they didn't have them.' _Qrow looked at his flask and back at Port. Flask, Port.

Flask.

Port.

"You know what? I've had enough of today. Call me when shit starts acting normal around here," Qrow muttered. He opened the cap of his flask and chugged the entire thing, gulping it down to make himself drunk in as little time as possible. Today was a goddamn nightmare.

"Why, I do have a suggestion for you, my friend." Port smirked and patted his cow's head like it was his humble servant. "I am afraid that I need to go on important business tomorrow and do not have someone covering my class at the moment. I would hate to have to ask Glynda if she would be willing to take on that responsibility."

That son of a bitch. He was trying to persuade Qrow into temporarily teaching again. Especially since Qrow quit Signal to be Ozpin's scout in his war with Salem. Qrow had to admit, he did miss the constant shenanigans that went on at Signal Academy. Plus it would put him closer to his nieces and his new wife.

But at the same time, his semblance. It was a constant pain in the ass, always screwing him over whenever he was close to people. He was already blaming it for Summer's death. He didn't want to risk it bringing more harm to the people who he cared about.

"I must be out of my damn mind," he eventually said. "You know what my semblance does."

"That is why Glynda has offered to be your assistant in the event things go haywire," Port replied. "She has a remarkable track record of cleaning up your messes, I recall."

Qrow rolled his eyes and went to take another chug, only to remember that it was empty from him chugging the entire damn thing only moments prior. _'Oh, right.' _He lowered his flask with a grumble and sighed. "Fine. I'll do it. But only if I get to use your office and get a pay rise. From Ozpin, of course."

"Of course. Please do take care of my students while I am away, though." Port waggled a meaty finger. "I don't want to hear about any of them blowing up."

"Yeah, yeah." Qrow scoffed. "How long are you going to be gone?"

"Shouldn't be more than four weeks. With luck, shorter."

If Qrow was drinking anything, he'd have spat it out. Hell, he was tempted to anyway.

Asking him to stay here and teach for a fucking month!? Yep, that was it now.

Qrow really hated his goddamn semblance.

"Fuck."

_**A/N: And that's a wrap. Hope you all enjoyed your holiday, and see you in the New Year! Here's to 2020 being awesome! **_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	6. Why Is He A Teacher?

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter six. Last chapter saw the trolliness of Port messing with Qrow and now, we get to have more fun. Someone gets to go to class and see their new husband all the while trying to keep it secret.**_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Why Is He a Teacher?***

Two days had passed since Joan had drunkenly married one of the world's elite huntsmen and became the aunt of two of her friends. The weekend had overall been possibly the most miserable few days of her life but she didn't know that it was about to get a hell of a lot worse for her.

Joan and the rest of JNPR followed a few of the other first year teams into Professor Port's class, the blonde letting out a bored yawn at the thought of having to once again deal with another dull lesson first thing in the morning. _'Ugh, why did it have to be him? Why not combat class, or even History? At least those two are interesting. Sort of.' _At least Dr. Oobleck had a fresh supply of coffee for her to raid when he wasn't looking.

"Not looking forward to today?" Pyrrha asked.

"Nope." Joan shook her head and rubbed the corners of her eyes, trying to wake up. "Port's voice can lull pretty much anyone to sleep. I swear he's the worst teacher here. I thought this was supposed to be Grimm Studies, not, 'I'm going to tell exaggerated stories from my youth time'. He's terrible."

"Chin up, Fearless Leader~!" Nora sang. She gave the blonde a healthy whump on the shoulder and Joan was thankful she had her Aura up to absorb the blow. Otherwise she'd have a really hard time explaining to the nurse why there was a giant bruise on her. "Maybe he called out sick!"

Joan rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Please. We're not that lucky. We'd have better luck convincing Glynda to make Cardin wear a skirt for a week as punishment."

"Careful. She might actually do that if she snaps," Ren warned. "The last thing we want is for someone to give her ideas."

Joan sighed and went to take her seat when her jaw dropped. Her eyes widened and she was pretty sure her hair started to turn grey. "No…no way. No fucking way. This can't be happening!" _'This has to be some kind of sick joke! There's no way! Nope! I refuse to believe this!' _

Standing at the front of the class was not Professor Port as she expected. Instead, his spot was taken by the man she had drunkenly married and slept with. Qrow Branwen.

His pale red eyes glanced in her direction once and they made eye contact. However he didn't give any signs that he recognized her. "Team JNPR, correct? You're right on time. Take your seats; class is about to begin."

Joan felt an irrational anger start to bubble under her skin as she sat down, letting out an annoyed growl. Her notebooks slammed onto her desk with more force than was necessary and she crossed her arms, scowling at her husband. She swore that when she found the sick son of a bitch who put Qrow as a teacher, she'd beat them to death with their own skull. No, she didn't care that it wasn't physically possible. _'I'm going to kill someone, I can already feel it. Why? Why the hell is he even here!?'_

Team RWBY burst into the classroom, all of them panting heavily, and Qrow took a sip of coffee from his mug. "Morning, girls. Do try to show up on time, will you?"

"UNCLE QROW~!" Ruby cheered and shared a high five with Yang. "Oh this day is going to be awesome!"

'_No it fucking isn't.' _Joan slumped in her chair. _'It's going to be a goddamn nightmare.' _She could already feel her sense of murder spiking a bit. The large crate next to Qrow started to shake a little and the huntsman kicked it hard. It stopped moving after that. Clearly whatever was inside did not want to mess with him.

He looked over the roster and saw that everyone was present. "Alright then. Welcome to Grimm Studies. I'm Professor Branwen; I'll be your professor while Port is out on important business for the next month and a half. I don't know what he taught you, or claims to have, so I'm going to start off with a few simple questions. Who here can tell me what the weak points are on an Ursa?"

The class was deathly quiet.

Qrow looked around with a raised eyebrow and shook his head. "…you're kidding me, right? What _has_ Professor Port taught you? And no, that question was not sarcastic. Close your mouth Winchester; I already know you were going to give me some smartass remark."

"Um…" Yang was brave enough to answer. "He doesn't really…teach, I guess is how I put it? He mostly just tells us stories about things he's accomplished as a huntsman. Half of which I think are lies."

"You and me both," Joan muttered, bringing out a snicker from Nora.

Qrow rubbed his temples and sighed before taking another sip of coffee. "Of course he has. That is a little unsettling. I'm almost hesitant to ask this, but has he given you any practical lessons?"

"Um, one at the beginning of the year," Weiss answered. "He put me against a Boarbatusk."

"Thank Oum he managed to do that at least," the huntsman muttered. A few students snorted in laughter and he cleared his throat to get their attention. "Okay, so it seems like I have a lot of work to do then."

He pointed to a diagram of an Ursa he had drawn. "The weak points of an Ursa are the underbelly and the throat. They defend those spots on their body the most, using their size to their advantage. However, when they attack, they typically like to rear up on their hind legs to swat you away. That leaves their belly open for you to counter. But, and here's the but part, stop snickering at the word, 'but', Winchester, you have to be fast. Take your time, and you'll end up being a Grimm's dinner."

The whole class was paying rapt attention now. Holy shit they had a teacher who knew what he was doing. Joan just wished they chose someone else.

Qrow pointed to the crate that lay on the floor beside him. "Can anyone care to guess what I have in here?"

"Um, a Grimm, sir," Weiss answered promptly before anyone.

"Correct, Schnee. Earlier before classes started I went and procured a Grimm from the Forever Fall Forest for you. Specifically, an Ursa, which is convenient for today's lesson. Now, I'll need a volunteer to demonstrate what they have learned today. Who wants to go?"

Ruby, Weiss, and Cardin all put their hands in the air.

"Hm." Qrow pursed his lips and his eyes settled on Joan's. "Joan Arc, is it? Congratulations, you're the lucky one who gets to go. Do you have your weapon on you?"

Cheeky son of a bitch picked her on purpose even though she didn't even raise her damn hand. She was going to kill him after class.

"I do." She gritted her teeth and patted Crocea Mors. She'd show him. _'Insufferable drunk asshole. Of all the goddamn people to marry while intoxicated, it had to be him. Fuck my life.' _

"Ha, you picked her? Professor, she's the worst in our year," Cardin jeered. Never mind, she took it back. She didn't hate her life. She hated Cardin's.

"Precisely why I picked her," Qrow replied. "And before you boast, you're not much better yourself. How are those bruises Miss Nikos gave you and your whole team last week? Still sore?"

Team RWBY and Nora roared with laughter while Pyrrha flushed from the attention. Cardin slumped down in his seat with a scowl, glaring daggers at the professor, and Qrow ignored the dirty looks from CRDL before facing Joan. "Can you come to the front of the class, please? I assure you, you won't have to worry about being eaten in my class. I quite like having a clean track record of no fatalities and would hate to ruin that."

If Joan wasn't so damn annoyed at him, she'd have laughed. But as it was she was quite irritated with the man and she glared in his direction as she made her way to the front of her class, drawing the ancient longsword from its sheath.

Qrow looked at her weapon with a curious look but made no remark. Instead, he stood next to the large crate and prepared to open it. "Are you ready?"

Joan nodded, her grip on her longsword tight.

"Alright then. Show me what you can do." Qrow drew his claymore and cut the locks on the crate. The iron door sprung open and the Ursa inside burst out with an annoyed roar. Its gleaming red eyes focused on the blonde knight in front of it and it leapt at her.

Joan rolled under it and sprang to her feet, her sword nicking the beast's hide. A small cut appeared on its black skin and it roared in anger. That only irritated it more than actually hurt it.

It lumbered around and took another swipe at her. Its claws met the tough metal of her sword and she struggled to keep her footing. She was desperately trying to recall everything Pyrrha had taught her about swordplay and looked down at how the Ursa was positioned. Qrow merely took a sip of coffee.

She slid Crocea Mors down and cut off its right paw. The Ursa roared in pain and fell awkwardly, trying to use its remaining limbs to prop itself back up. Joan seized the opportunity and delivered a fatal strike, cutting off its head cleanly. The head fell on the floor with a wet thump and vanished in a flurry of ash and she let out a slow breath. It felt nice to not get her ass kicked in front of the entire freaking class as well as Qrow for that matter.

He would no doubt never let her hear the end of it if she did.

"Good work, Arc. Your swordsmanship could use some work, but you have good potential. Keep practicing and you won't be the bottom of your class. You'll be able to kick some serious ass." He nodded in approval.

Before Joan could take her seat Qrow leaned in to whisper to her quietly. "See me after class for a minute. We need to talk."

"About what, exactly?" she whispered with a hiss.

"About us, obviously." Qrow rolled his eyes. "Just do it, please. The longer we stay here like this, the more someone will get suspicious."

Joan wanted to smack him. But the entire class was watching and she didn't feel like getting detention for assaulting a teacher. Nor did she want to suffer a brutal death at the hands of Yang and Ruby for hitting their favorite uncle.

"Fine," she muttered with a reluctant growl. She went back to her seat and sat down with a huff, trying to think of various insults to call him.

"Well, with the practical lesson out of the way, now it's time for a quick quiz," Qrow announced. He silenced a series of groans with a hard stare. "Don't give me that. It's important to know your enemy's weaknesses and their strengths. If you don't know, then you're going to end up dead. This world doesn't need any huntsmen or huntresses to die due to a lack of paying attention in class. Getting eaten because you didn't know how to beat them is a bad way to go."

He picked up a stack of papers and started to walk through the class, handing them out. "You have until the end of the class. Scrolls away. Any form of cheating will be severely punished."

"How so, sir?" Cardin snorted. "Make us go on a field trip with you?"

"No. You'll be doing Professor Port's old laundry that he neglected to clean before leaving," Qrow answered with a smirk. "Trust me when I say you really don't want to know what half of those stains are." Joan was pretty sure she heard a gag from somewhere in the back of the class.

"Begin. When you are done, simply leave it on my desk," he said, ignoring the sound.

Joan picked up her pencil and let out an annoyed huff before she began.

The test was relatively simple, especially compared to Dr. Oobleck's. She assumed it was because he already knew like the rest of them that Professor Port was a horrible teacher. He didn't want to kill them right out of the gate.

Well…not all of them. She was betting he wanted to tease the hell out of her for his own amusement.

Joan wasn't the first to finish the test. That ended up being Weiss to no surprise. She proudly placed it on his desk and walked back to her seat with her head high, no doubt confident she had aced it. She wasn't the top of their class in terms of grades for nothing.

Joan looked at the paper and the answers she had given. _'They'll do. I mean, they're not wrong. At least I don't think they are. Screw it.' _

She placed it on his desk with a scowl, but Qrow didn't say anything. He merely just continued to sip his coffee cup. Insufferable bastard.

The blonde could hear other students muttering irritably as they finished the test, and twenty minutes later the bell rung to signal the end of class.

Joan stood up and watched as the rest of the class began to leave. She glanced back at Pyrrha, who was waiting for her. "Hey, you guys go on ahead. I'll catch you in a bit."

Nora and Ren shared a look in confusion but Pyrrha nodded. "Okay. I'll see you."

Joan watched them go and she turned back to the professor who also happened to be her husband. The doors shut and she stalked over to him with a glare. "What? What in the name of Oum could you possibly want?"

"I just want to talk." Qrow motioned for her to take a seat in front of him. "Are you alright?"

"Do I look alright to you? Do I sound alright!?" she seethed. "No, I'm fucking not!"

Qrow rolled his eyes and placed his mug down. "I'll take that as a no. Have you told anyone?"

"Told anyone what?"

"That we're married. What else could I mean?"

"No," Joan admitted. "No one apart from my team knows. They obviously figured it out by the damn ring."

"That you took off, I presume?" Qrow asked.

"Yes." Joan scowled. "I don't need the entire school gossiping about us. I've heard enough from Nora."

"Girl does look like she gives Ninja Kid a hard time," Qrow observed. "Can't be too fun to deal with on a daily basis."

"No she's not. But she grows on you." Joan shrugged. "Get to the point, Qrow. Why did you want to talk?"

"Because of this." Qrow flung a rolled up newspaper at her and she caught it. She unrolled it to look at the headlines and her jaw dropped.

"Are you fucking kidding me!?"

"Nope."

"…why aren't we arrested yet?" she asked.

"Thank Ozpin for that." He yawned. "His influence as the headmaster of Beacon is very strong in Vale. The police are more than content to overlook something for him."

Joan shook her head and sighed, placing it down. "Qrow…I have a question."

"Go on." He waved encouragingly.

"…how the hell is Ozpin a professor?"

"You and me both, Blondie."

"Yeah…hey! Don't call me that!" she protested.

Qrow only laughed and ducked under the newspaper she chucked at him.

At least they weren't at each others' throats…

_**A/N: And that's all for now. I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you all again soon! **_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	7. New Aunt?

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter seven! I am trying to be a little more consistent with this one (which is a goddamn shock, I know XD), especially with me putting a few fics on hold until a couple are finished or reach a point where I can put it on hold without worrying their respective audiences. **_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***New Aunt!?***

So far today, things hadn't been a total disaster at Beacon for Joan and Team JNPR. Sure, there was the issue of having her husband as a temporary teacher, but that wasn't too big of a problem. No, throwing a newspaper at him while he laughed and called her cute nicknames did not mean they were flirting. Shut up Nora.

Plus, it was nice to see Qrow get away with making sarcastic comments and quips at Cardin. Jackass never did like her from the moment they laid eyes on each other. He was an asshole through and through. So he did technically deserve every single remark thrown at him. Besides, she was pretty sure even his own team disliked him occasionally. The only one who wasn't a total ass was Russell, though that was mainly due to him obsessing over his hair. He paid more attention to it than he did his classes.

Joan picked at her food, not feeling too hungry, and she was tuning out the conversation between Pyrrha and Team RWBY. There was too much for her to think about. Mainly, her getting her head around the fact that she was now Ruby and Yang's new aunt despite being the same goddamn age. Curse the legal system.

Actually, curse Ozpin for allowing them to marry in the first place. Seriously, what the hell was he thinking allowing one of his own students to marry someone easily twice her age? Or perhaps even older? _'I mean, it's not like he's a bad looking guy or anything. In fact, Mom probably would've attempted to snag him for herself if she was single. And now I'm purging that thought. Blegh.' _

"Hey, Joan? Remnant to Joan?" Nora waved her hand in front of her face and the blonde blinked.

"Oh crap, sorry. What were you guys talking about?" she asked.

Nora wore a devilish smirk on her face and Joan shuddered. "Oh no…please do not—"

"So Yang, how are you liking your new aunt!?" Nora exclaimed. Ren facepalmed and Joan let out a groan, slamming her head onto the table and drawing a few snickers from some of the other students in the cafeteria.

"Goddammit Nora." The blonde thumped her head on the table a few times to make sure she wasn't dreaming some horrible nightmare. Nope, she wasn't that lucky. She'd had preferred waking up screaming bloody murder instead of dealing with the surprised squawks from Team RWBY.

"WHAT!?" Weiss spat out her drink.

"UNCLE QROW IS MARRIED!?" Ruby shrieked.

"Qrow got married!?" Yang raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Bullshit!"

"That drunk's your uncle!?" Blake lifted her head from her smut book.

Ruby bounced in her seat, eyes wide in excitement. "Ah! Who's the lucky woman who married my awesome uncle!?"

Ren, Nora, and Pyrrha all stared at Joan.

The blonde knight lifted her head and sighed in exasperation. "Traitors."

"Wait, seriously!?" Weiss scowled and glared at Joan, who shrank away under the heiress's accusing stare. "You're married to him!? When!? How!?"

"Do you want the long version or the short version?" Joan asked weakly, wishing she could disappear. Goddamn this was so embarrassing. She didn't think it would take this quickly for Team RWBY to find out about her secret.

"Short please. And spare us the part of you two procreating." Weiss rolled her eyes. "I do not want to hear that, thank you very much."

Joan sighed and opened her mouth to start explaining how when Ruby practically leapt across the table and into her lap, knocking her out of her seat. "AH! Joan's our new aunt! But she's the same age as us!"

"Ruby. Get. Off," Joan mumbled from underneath the scythe wielder.

Ruby leapt off of her with her silver eyes wide and waiting to hear the inevitably scandalous tale and Joan got back on her seat. "Okay…well you know how we went to that new nightclub that opened up on the other side of Vale?"

"Devil May Cry? Yeah I know about it." Yang nodded with a smirk. "Picked up a really hot monkey Faunus last time I was there. Had a damn good set of abs."

"Shut up Yang," Weiss and Blake chorused. They were used to this song and dance from the busty brawler. "Let her explain."

"Well…I took a seat next to Qrow. Mind you I had no idea who he was at the time. We were both having a few drinks when one of us asked the other for a dance. I don't really remember anything after that. Next thing I know, I wake up with his ass in my face," Joan answered, her face red as she recalled just how toned of a rear end the huntsman had.

"Pfffft!" Weiss spat out her drink again, spraying Nora and Joan again. "You got drunkenly married!?"

"What do you want from me, a fucking poem?" Joan snapped back. "That's all I can remember and I'm sparing the other parts I'd really not want to think about!" _'He did have a nice ass now that I think about it.. Definitely top notch.' _

'_NO! Bad brain! Do not think about that!' _

"So…who even married you guys?" Blake asked curiously. "I thought Vale had a set of laws in place to prohibit that."

"Ozpin…" Joan answered with a huff of embarrassment. "He apparently has a massive pull on the Vale Council and that means he can get away with anything short of starting a war. His influence in the Kingdom is currently preventing me and Qrow from being charged with public intoxication and criminal mischief since we apparently broke into a jewelry store and made out in front of the Vale Police Department." She still called bullshit on the headlines in the newspaper.

"…you're telling me our esteemed headmaster actually let a huntsman and one of his students get married to each other?" Yang scoffed. "No fucking way."

"Do I have to get Qrow here to verify this?"

"…yes. Because I'm seriously calling bullshit."

"No need to, Firecracker." Qrow had appeared out of nowhere as usual, sipping a cup of coffee. "Every last word that Blondie just said is true."

"Uncle Qrow!" Ruby tackled him to the ground and he fell with a loud 'Oof!'. "Oh it's so nice to see you! So Joan's really our aunt!?"

"Yep." Qrow got off the ground, wincing a little. "Though I certainly wish the circumstances were a little better. I blame Ozpin for that."

"_Will Professor Branwen please report to the headmaster's office immediately? Thank you. Bzzt." _

…

"You totally had that one coming," Yang said with a snort.

"Shut up Yang." Qrow let out an annoyed huff and went back into his usual slouch, hands in his pockets. "Better go see what I'm in trouble for this time. Catch you later Firecracker, Blondie."

"Will you stop calling me that!?" Joan flushed red. "People are going to gossip!" _'Not any more than they usually do, but still! I don't want to walk around the hallways and here everyone gossiping about how I'm married to one of our current professors. The school would go nuts, Mom and Dad would come up here demanding his head, and Saph…well, she'd probably attempt to murder me for not introducing her first.'_

She did know one thing. She sure as hell did not envy Qrow right now.

* * *

Qrow sighed as he stood in the elevator that led to the headmaster's office, tapping his foot as the small metal box slowly made its way up the shaft. _'For hell's sake, I haven't even done anything irresponsible yet and already you're calling me up to lecture me about something that I didn't have a lot of say in. Goddammit Ozpin. Why the hell is this always the case?'_

He had wondered how both of his nieces would take the knowledge that he was now married to one of their own friends and to his surprise they took it rather well. Yang of course denied it until he said something, but she was no doubt giving Joan a nice lecture on how if she broke his heart, Yang and Ruby would kill her in a whole assortment of unimaginable and horrible ways. Ruby probably took it the best. She seemed excited about having a new aunt.

The doors pinged open and Qrow was greeted by Ozpin. The headmaster was thankfully clothed this time around and he sat at his desk, hands folded and he tilted his glasses down to look at the huntsman. "Qrow. How nice of you to join me. Care for a cup of coffee?"

"Sure." Qrow shrugged and went over to pour himself a cup. Judging by the hazelnut smell, it was the brand that Ozpin often drank in order to deal with the massive amounts of chaos that Beacon caused. _'Smells nice.' _

He poured a little bit of milk from the mini fridge and gave it a swirl with his finger to mix it before he raised it to his lips. "Ah. That's what I needed. So, what are you calling me up here for? Did Autumn die? You want to lecture me about something I haven't even done yet?"

"No." Ozpin shook his head. "I wanted to discuss some very important news with you, shared to me by Salem. She has told me that Leonardo Lionheart is in fact not on our side and helping some of Salem's former accomplices sneak into Beacon."

"Pfft!" Qrow promptly spat out his coffee. "WHAT!?"

"I've already secured General Ironwood's permission to utilize his forces and take them into custody." Ozpin took a sip from his own steaming mug. "You may not believe it, seeing as it goes against nearly everything I've told you, but Salem no longer expresses a desire to see humanity destroyed. We've…come to an understanding of sorts."

"…you mean you've been having tons of sex to make up for what you've been unable to have." Qrow narrowed his eyes and pointed to the headmaster's desk, eyebrow twitching. "She's under there, isn't she?"

"My, full of accusations today." The immortal headmaster smirked. "What gives you that impression, old friend?"

"Oz…do not lie to me." Qrow facepalmed. "Salem is hiding under there and there's no way in hell you have pants on." _'I do not get paid enough for this, even with the pay raise Ozpin offered me when I took Port's position.' _

"I neither deny nor confess to those claims." Ozpin sipped from his mug with a smug smirk on his face. "However, this does leave us with a bit of a problem. I doubt that these individuals are working on their own and they have some sort of outside help apart from Leo. However, since we are in a time of peace, I cannot simply barge down Haven's doors and arrest Leo as tempting as that may be."

"What are you suggesting?" Qrow folded his arms.

"What I'm suggesting is that I would not object to Leo succumbing to an unfortunate accident based on one individual's semblance." Ozpin chuckled. "Or, I could go for a slightly more…direct approach of disposing him. Salem does in fact have a Seeker stationed in his office and we both know what they are capable of. I seem to remember Raven having an odd fascination with their appendages."

"Do not remind me." Qrow rubbed his face with a groan. If he didn't hear the words, "Use your tentacles more!" ever again it would be too soon.

"Do as you wish." He shrugged, ignoring Ozpin's laughter. "I for one am not interested in your complicated love life. Just stop sticking your dick in crazy."

"Salem's not crazy."

"She wanted to kill all of us!"

"She's got a great ass," Ozpin objected. "Now you are free to go back to teaching your class. Nice to see your nieces don't seem to mind you having a wife."

Qrow had turned to leave when Ozpin said something else to him. "Oh, and Qrow?"

"What…?"

"Joan got a rather nice view of your backside, didn't she? I noticed in her class with Glynda that she had a rather dreamy expression on her face."

Ozpin didn't even get annoyed when his coffee mug just burst into flames.

_**A/N: And that's all for now. Do I plan on more for this fic? Oh yes. This is the replacement fic for A Drunken Marriage to Schneeze At after all and I aim on being a little more consistent with its updates. Though this one will actually have somewhat of a plot. Unusual in my RWBY works I've noticed…I usually just want an excuse to write filthy smut XD**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	8. Fire

_**A/N: Hello people and welcome to chapter eight. This may be a dumb humor fic that isn't meant to be taken seriously in the slightest, but I still am surprised the FNDM hasn't attempted to murder me for this heresy XD**_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Fire***

If there was one thing about Beacon that Salem didn't not understand, it was how there seemed to be a random fire pretty much every day. On Monday, a fire broke out because Team CRDL had accidentally hit one of their own fire dust crystals. Tuesday, it was that young redhead girl going on about heretical filth needing to be purged. That poor cat Faunus was still sobbing about her books.

Today was Wednesday and in between having filthy sex and helping Ozpin find ways to screw over the gods that cursed them, she didn't understand how a fire could possibly break out. It was just impossible! Even while she was hiding under his desk giving the headmaster the best blowjob he had ever gotten while he talked to Qrow.

Damn, that cute blonde he ended up married to was rather lucky. If she was single, Salem herself wouldn't mind trying to end up in Qrow's lap. The man was good looking. Or somehow find a way to bed Joan. She wasn't too picky after who knows how many centuries of not getting any.

Qrow had left after Ozpin had teased him about Joan getting a nice look at his ass and Salem lifted her head up to see that Ozpin's coffee mug had burst into flames. "How…?" She wiped a bit of saliva from her mouth, catching her breath from her work.

"I have no idea. I literally only just poured this fifteen minutes ago," he said earnestly. "Beacon, I swear…"

"Sounds like you have a lot of pent up stress, dear," Salem purred. "By the way, is the Council still trying to get you to hand over those two for their actions?"

"Oh yes." Ozpin nodded, using his magic to douse the flames before Glynda came in and had an aneurysm. Goodwitch? Ha, more like Good bitch. She was so proud of that little joke.

"What did you tell them?" Salem asked.

"I kindly told them to fuck off." Ozpin smirked triumphantly and took a sip of his coffee. "No doubt they are unpleased with my response, but I simply feel it is wrong to imprison them for that. All they really did was spread some very nice merriment around and indulge in some fun activities."

Salem chuckled and went back to the task at hand. Poor Ozpin. Not getting laid in who knows how long really did a number on him. She had at least eased some of the pent up stress that she admittedly did cause trying to find new ways to murder him, but there was still plenty to get rid of.

"Now now, move that tongue over a little. Ah, right there…" The headmaster let out a groan of content and eased back in his chair, whistling a cheerful tune as he continued to sip his coffee while receiving oral pleasure. "Hmm, I wonder what James is currently up to."

Smug bastard.

"So, do Joan's parents know of her union?" Salem asked, her voice muffled by the length in her mouth.

Ozpin responded by pulling out of her mouth and slapping the tip of his manhood on her forehead.

"Huh…guess not."

Back to stress relief time.

* * *

Qrow stared dumbfounded at the scene before him. He knew that Beacon was chaotic on the best of days between the students constantly trying to either use their semblances in the hallways for dumb shit or doing what hormonal teenagers did, but this? This was just ridiculous.

He sipped his coffee and let out a sigh of 'Oh goddammit', watching as Team RWBY and Team JNPR tried to desperately put out the fire that had erupted in his classroom. Well technically it was Port's, but for the time being he was using it. It still counted in his mind.

"I didn't know drapes were flammable!" Weiss protested, pouring what Qrow hoped was water on the flames.

"They've always been fucking flammable!" Joan groaned in despair and looked like she was two minutes from leaving to live the rest of her life in a cave away from everyone. "What the hell were you thinking using fire dust around them!?"

The flames grew larger in response.

"I didn't think this would happen!" Weiss snapped.

"You didn't think, no fucking shit," Yang grumbled, dumping another bucket of water onto the fire in a vain attempt to keep it from getting any bigger.

Spoiler. It didn't work.

"How can you be so smart when it comes to classes but have no ounce of common sense?" Joan added on, heaving a third bucket of water onto the inferno. "And I'm the one you called a dolt? Seriously? After this, I think you take the whole goddamn kingdom, Ice Queen."

Qrow put down his coffee mug with a sigh and picked up the nearest fire extinguisher, walking over to the students and dousing it effortlessly. Both teams stopped bickering and looked at the teacher, who was not amused by half of his classroom being set on fire.

"So, care to tell me why the eight of you are in my classroom during a free period?" he asked dryly. "And please refrain from insulting each other. As amusing as it is, my class was still on fire twenty seconds ago."

"Well…" Joan let out a nervous laugh. "Do you want the long version or the short version?"

"Short, please. I don't need any more headaches for the day, thank you." Qrow rolled his eyes.

Joan looked at Weiss and the heiress looked down in shame. "It was my fault, professor. I wanted to test out some new dust I had received and figured this would be the best place due to it being empty. When practicing my glyphs I bumped into Pyrrha and set the drapes on fire. I didn't think it would happen."

'_Christ. How much did Yang have to pay you to say that? Didn't think a Schnee would ever apologize.' _Qrow pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Consider yourself lucky I am not in the mood to hand out punishment for setting fire to my classroom. Now get out of here before I change my mind."

"You're changing your mind? And you think the new one will be any better?"

"Yang, five laps around Beacon."

"Oh come on!" Yang groaned. "What did I do?"

"Insult my husband, for one," Joan pointed out dryly. "Who also happens to be a professor here."

"Part time." Yang grumbled and kicked the floor as if it insulted her.

"Details are unimportant." Joan folded her arms and stared the brawler down, refusing to budge. Qrow was impressed. Not many could stare down his niece like that unless they had a death wish or were too dumb to know any better.

Yang growled and glared accusingly at Qrow for several seconds. "Somehow this is your fault. Why is she all of a sudden the queen of sarcasm?"

"Some things are just hardwired," Qrow answered with a shrug. "Trust me; I had nothing to do with corrupting Blondie over there." He ignored the protest of 'Hey!' from the knight in particular and folded his arms. "Now come on, let's get those sprints done. Quicker you finish them, the quicker you can return to teasing your partner about her horrible taste in literature." He took pleasure in seeing the girl in particular blush furiously.

One of the worst kept secrets ever was that the emo cat Faunus had terrible taste in books. Almost all of them were porn with somewhat of a plot. He wasn't surprised when Yang gave him the message that Ruby went on some sort of crusade with a flamethrower declaring that all the heretical filth must be purged in the name of the Emperor. He couldn't blame her. There was no time for heresy in the world. He'd have been less surprised if Ruby didn't go on a fiery crusade.

"Qrow, can I talk to you for a moment?" Joan asked.

"Sure. What's on your mind?" He picked up his coffee again and took a much needed sip. Good Oum Beacon was already beginning to drive him insane and he had only been teaching for about two days now, give or take. He understood Glynda's pain now. Poor woman, having to deal with this and Ozpin's bullshit. He refused to believe Glynda approved of Ozpin's idea of launching students off a cliff as initiation. Just…no.

"Can it be alone, please?" She gave her teammates and friends uneasy glances. Sure they kind of gotten over the fact that she was now married to one of the best huntsmen in all of Remnant, but he could understand wanting to be cautious about it. Rumors in Beacon spread faster than the damned flu.

"Go get 'em Uncle Qrow!" Ruby cheered.

"RUBY!" Joan's face lit up bright red. "No! Bad idea! Stop reading Blake's books!"

"Dunno, sounds like a good idea to me~," Pinky sang. "Be sure to send pictures~!"

"Shut up Nora!" Joan scowled. "Ren, take away her pancake license for the next three months."

"Sure." Ninja Kid yawned in boredom. He didn't seem to give a single fuck about it which was admirable in a sense. Sometimes, you just have to not give a shit. Qrow respected that. Seeing them interact was a lot like the good old days in Team STRQ. The constant trouble they got into, messing around with Team FLME and FLWR, competing in the tournament…good times.

Too bad Raven had to go and fuck it all up. Rotten bitch.

Qrow sighed and nodded. "Sure thing Blondie. Come on; I know a spot where we won't be disturbed or found."

"Bow chicka bow wow." Yang smirked, stretching as she got ready for her laps around Beacon.

"Shut up Yang." Qrow was putting in a request for a pay raise after this. He was not paid enough for the headaches he now had to deal with. Damn you Ozpin.

Ignoring the teasing wolf whistles from his niece and Pinky he and Joan left the classroom behind, hoping to the Brother Gods that they would be left the hell alone and wouldn't have to deal with any more bullshit today. Too early in the day and he was really hating Ozpin's statement about him having to be somewhat sober around the students while the headmaster was allowed to literally stick his dick in pure evil.

Qrow led his wife through the many corridors of Beacon until they reached the rooftop and the blonde looked down at the fall. "Um, Qrow? I know that I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around this whole mess we're in, but I'm not that depressed. Jeez."

"Har har." Qrow rolled his eyes and leaned against the door. "You asked me to lead you somewhere nice and quiet so I did. What did you want to ask of me anyway?"

"It's…well, you know I'm not exactly the greatest fighter," she admitted. "I kind of get my ass kicked every time in Goodwitch's class. So could you…I dunno, teach me? To be a better fighter?"

Qrow frowned. He had watched the tapes from Goodwitch's sparring class every chance he could, mostly during his free time. She wasn't wrong; she really was not good. Still, he could work with that. Even if she didn't have a semblance that he noticed.

He walked over to her and pushed her to the ground with one easy shove.

"H-hey! What was that for!?" Joan glared at him.

"Your feet are too close together, Blondie." Qrow smirked. "Try spreading them a little further apart."

…

"Bow chicka bow wow?" Joan tried.

Qrow groaned. "You are spending way too much time around Yang."

Still. Could be worse.

At least his newest protégée wouldn't attempt to beg cookies out of him.

_**A/N: A nice little quickie. *Bow chicka bow wow* Sorry, sorry, been watching way too much RvB lately XD. I'm not sorry. See you!**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	9. Sparring

_**A/N: Hey all, sorry for the very long delay. With everything going on in the world I've been called in to work more and more, plus I had to get a new laptop. Yay me on that one. But here's the chapter; I hope you like it. **_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: __Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Sparring***

Joan panted heavily for breath, trying her damn best to not glare at the broad grin on her husband's face as he once again easily blocked every sort of attack she threw at him. It didn't matter what she tried; Qrow spun his greatsword with the elegance of a dancer and parried every blow without a single scratch. He wasn't even trying; at this point he was just toying with her as per the usual.

"Already out of breath, Blondie? I would've thought that you had much better stamina than that judging from our honeymoon," he teased. He expertly ducked under a slash aimed at his head and waggled his finger with a shiteating smirk. "Nice try, Legs. Gotta do better than that."

"Goddammit!" Joan hissed in annoyance and didn't move her shield into play in time. Qrow's next strike slapped her across the stomach and she flew across the room they were using to spar in. Her aura flared brightly when she hit the far wall, the wind having been driven out of her entirely by that hit. _'Son of a bitch! Even Cardin doesn't hit that hard!'_

For someone nowhere near as bulky as Cardin, Qrow sure as hell hit harder than anyone she had ever sparred with. Even Yang, and she was known for creating the most amount of craters in the courtyard. If she had to place bets between who hit harder, she'd put her money on her husband. And there was definitely no bias there. Nope. Stop with those looks. _'He's even leaner than my dad.'_

"You fight way too clean, Blondie." Qrow shook his head, tapping his sword against his shoulder. "Why the hell are you trying to fight like you're the next Invincible Girl?"

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" Joan glowered at her husband.

"Your swordplay isn't terrible, but it isn't stellar. Do you even know what your semblance is?" Qrow asked.

"Well…no," the blonde sheepishly admitted. "Pyrrha unlocked my aura for me when we were partnered together in the forest."

"Lemme guess; Oz threw you off a cliff and basically said, 'Good luck'," Qrow deadpanned. "And seriously? How the hell are you even alive?"

"Trust me, I ask myself that pretty much every day," Joan said with a sigh. "I half expect to die pretty much every time I go out in the field. I'm starting to think it's just sheer dumb luck at this point."

"Shitty mindset to have, Blondie."

"The fuck are you now, my goddamn therapist or something?"

"No, I'm your husband," Qrow corrected with a slight smirk. 'I could provide you a dictionary if you're unfamiliar with the word." Jackass. He was by all means right by it. But he was still a jackass for the smartass reply.

"Haha. Very funny. I'm just bursting with laughter." She scowled at him. "Hey, maybe you should do comedy. Why make just one person miserable when you can do it to a whole crowd?"

"Alright, time for some sprints." Fuck.

"I hate you," Joan muttered with a groan, forcing her legs to get moving. They felt heavy and sluggish, slow to respond after the brutal ass kicking that was training. "Ugh! I feel like I'm made of Jell-O!"

"Good. Pain is weakness leaving the body," Qrow said. "The more you train, the more your body will get used to the strain. Be consistent with it and you'll be whooping everyone else's ass even without a semblance."

"…you're not going to bother trying to help with that?" she asked, hoping he would.

"Blondie, I'm good, but I ain't _that_ good." Qrow shook his head. "I'm not a wizard. Your semblance is for you to discover, not me. I already knew mine from when I was a little kid."

"What is it anyway? I heard Yang mention it once but she never really talked about it when I asked her more."

"Bad luck."

…wait what?

"Pssh, no way." Joan shook her head in disbelief. "There's no way someone could have a semblance like that. That's just stupid. You're joking with me, right?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"..Oh holy shit you're actually serious."

"Yeah, I am." Qrow rolled his eyes. "Look some people can use polarity or channel lightning. Me? I'm just an unlucky son of a bitch. I can't control who it affects. It's handy in a fight, but around family? Friends? It's damn near impossible to be around them."

"…so that's why you often go on missions for the kingdoms," Joan realized. "It's so you stay away from others you care about."

"Hole in one."

"Bow chicka bow wow."

"Goddammit, stop listening to Yang." Qrow facepalmed. "Focus less on your dirty mind and more on your training. Since you haven't unlocked your semblance…it means I have to do what I really didn't want to do. I have to make you the biggest pain in the ass to go up against as humanly possible."

"…and how are you going to do that? Beat my ass?" Joan asked dryly, pushing her long hair to the side. "Because I gotta say, the only thing I've learned so far is how bad the floor tastes." The blonde didn't even get a chance to raise her shield again before she was once again on the floor, groaning.

She rubbed her eyes, thankful her aura took the blow, and grimaced when Qrow's foot planted on her chest. "What else did you learn, Blondie?"

"To stay the fuck away from your hands," she said with a grumble, trying to shove him off of her. To her annoyance he didn't budge an inch and she glared at him. "Are you just screwing around with me or what?"

"Blondie, if I wanted to screw you, I'd have taken you to the nearest bedroom."

"Oh and I'm the one with a dirty mind?"

"You're a student. I'm not," Qrow shot back dryly, removing his foot from her. "Come on, get up. Get your weapon out and try and think. Don't just rush me. I'm bigger than you, stronger, faster, and more skilled. How do you approach that?"

"Pray?" she tried. She blocked his attempted cuff and tried to swing him around, but he still didn't move an inch.

"Not bad with the block. But you're still off balance." He laughed as he tripped her to the floor for the umpteenth time. "That comes down to your footwork. Now try again, but this time don't leave yourself so off balance. Being off balance is what leads to your loss. Position yourself properly so my strikes won't affect you as much."

"Got it." Joan got back to her feet, muscles aching. Even her sparring sessions with Pyrrha were nowhere near as exhausting as this. It really showed her the difference between students and a professional huntsman who did this sort of activity on the daily. She also remembered how his semblance affected everyone and knew that had a part in it too.

Still, if she did this every day with him, she'd no longer be at the bottom of the class but somewhere near the top. He was right; she wasn't Pyrrha. So why try to fight like her? It was better for her to find her own style of combat that suited her better rather than try and be something she couldn't. _'Okay, think. Offense isn't what I'm going to be good at, considering I'm smaller than almost everyone save for Ruby. But Ruby is faster and more agile thanks to her semblance. It fits her because she can't take too many hits without her aura being drained. Me, I can take those hits.' _

'_Counter assault,' _she realized. _'I think I found it.' _The blonde knight raised her shield in preparation and kept her grip tight.

Qrow was the one who attacked first, swinging his claymore in a wide arc. It hit her shield and instead of trying to just tank the blow, she rolled with the momentum, keeping herself mobile and she noticed her aura didn't drop as much as she thought it would. _'Okay. This doesn't seem too bad. But I doubt I'm gonna be able to keep this up for long. He doesn't seem the type to run out of stamina considering his years of experience in the field.' _

Qrow's next blow came up over her head and her eyes widened briefly before she rolled to the side again, hitting him in the ribs with her shield. The older man let out a grunt of surprise and looked over his shoulder, rubbing the sore spot briefly. "Not too bad, Short Stack. Careful you don't leave a bruise though."

"Why? Going on a date?" she asked with a smirk. If there was one other thing she picked up from her new husband, it was his habit of bantering in combat. He loved talking shit and she saw what kind of effect it had on certain people who simply couldn't take it. It was funny seeing Cardin get knocked down a few pegs. Jackass.

"I did plan on taking you out to dinner," he answered cheekily, jabbing back at her with the handle of his sword. "Though I suppose you're suggesting we skip the pleasantries and just get right down to the sex?"

"Hmph. In your dreams old man," Joan shot back with a huff. _'Ow. How does even the handle of his weapon manage to hurt? I swear this old man is just full of tricks.' _

"Aw, now you've gone and hurt this poor old man's feelings," Qrow said in mock sorrow, briefly putting his hand on his chest for the dramatic effect though Joan could see the mirth in his eyes. "Whatever shall I do?"

"I heard there's a nice retirement home being built. You should definitely check in there to see if you qualify." The blonde shrugged and blocked the next two strikes with a grimace.

"I'm far too good looking. The only thing I could do is find a nice spot to revel in my past glories and contemplate on my nonexistent failures." Qrow stroked his stubble.

"Is the place called, 'Denial'?" Joan deadpanned.

"Nope. In bed. From what I can recall you were rather breathless after my masterful performance." Qrow was still smirking about how she reacted to being in the same bed as him. Classy. Then again, it was Qrow. What else did she expect out of him besides this? He practically thrived on it.

"Hey Qrow, have you ever actually slept with someone your own age or do you just like trying to go after huntresses in training? Just morbid curiosity if I should be worried or not," Joan said dryly.

"One time when I was about eighteen years younger. Good times. I think her husband still hates my guts for that." Qrow sighed happily. "Good riddance. He's an asshole."

"…how old are you now?"

"Thirty nine."

"That's quite the dry spell. Are you sure age hasn't affected your performance much?" Joan didn't have the time to bring her shield fully into play and once again she was on the ground. "Goddammit!"

"That wasn't bad that time." Qrow helped her up. "Keep at it. You've got potential to be a really mean opponent. But I'm going to warn you ahead of time; it's going to be hard. You're going to get your ass beat a lot. But you learn more from losing than you do winning every time. It's nice to get humbled."

"Thanks. I mean it." Joan dusted herself off and looked at her husband. "So…do you…want to talk about that?"

"About what?" He tilted his head for a moment before it sunk in. "Oh…that…well, it's quite the story. And one I really don't want to get out there. Not just because half of the family wants to kill me, but because…well, let's just say it'll make it very difficult to explain. And knowing my luck, she's my kid."

"Who?"

"Weiss."

….

"WHAT!?"

_**A/N: Yeah, I may have read a story on tumblr about Qrow and Willow having an affair and producing Weiss as a result. Thought it would be fun to try experimenting with (because I ship Qrow and Willow pretty good now. Entire family XD).**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	10. Revelation

_**A/N: Hey all, welcome to chapter 10. Last time we left off on a big reveal and now we get to explore more of it.**_

**An Unlucky Drunken Marriage**

_Summary: __Qrow just wanted to relax after a long time away on a mission. Celebrating by hitting the new nightclub that opened up seemed good in his mind. Too bad he ended up drunkenly marrying a cute blonde knight in the process._

***Revelation***

Joan shook her head, unable to believe the words her husband had just said. "Wait, wait, wait. Hold the fuck up. You mean to tell me that Weiss Schnee, the heiress to the Schnee Dust Company, is your freaking daughter!? How!?"

Qrow sighed and took a seat against the wall, patting his pockets for his flask. He found it and went to take a swig when he found it empty. He put it back with a scowl and slicked his bangs back. "Look Blondie, it isn't that simple to explain. But since we're stuck together it seems as though I ain't got much of a choice."

"I fucking asked her out goddammit!" Joan sank to her knees with a groan. She ignored the bark of laughter from her jackass of a husband and rubbed her head. "Oh god how am I gonna even look at her now!?"

"Well, staying off of the internet for awhile might be a good idea," Qrow offered helpfully. "Don't want you to get any ideas from those naughty sites that one emo kid on my nieces' team looks at."

"Qrow!" Joan scowled. "I'm serious!"

"…you really did ask out Weiss?" he asked skeptically.

"Yeah I did. To the damn dance no less. Not my proudest moment," the blonde admitted. When Qrow didn't answer she looked up and puffed out her cheeks, feeling the heat rush to them. "Don't give me that look dammit! I would have thought Yang might have told you or something…" _'It wasn't that big of a secret. Hell even Ruby wasn't surprised when she found out about that.'_

"She didn't," Qrow deadpanned. "But anyway, that's not important. You know who Willow Schnee is, right?"

"Yeah. Jacque Schnee's wife," she answered. Who the hell didn't know that? They had to be living under a goddamn rock to not know who the Schnee family was. Part of the reason she asked out Weiss to the dance was because she got to hear her sing a few times.

"Well, I was in Atlas for a few months on missions," Qrow explained. "While there, Willow and I got into a few…altercations, let's call it. I said some things to her that are best left unsaid, such as her being too much of a coward to stand up to her husband and fight his tyranny. Called her out on her drinking in front of their eldest daughter and being a shit parent. I didn't expect to ignite a fire in her."

"What did she do?"

"She slammed me onto the bed with her glyphs. I'll let your imagination do the rest," Qrow replied. "Easy there; I know you think I'm good looking and all but don't have a nosebleed."

"Shut up, Qrow." Joan huffed. "So. You had an affair with Willow Schnee. Are you sure Weiss is your kid?"

"Considering it was about eighteen years ago and my luck is literally the shittiest in the world?" Qrow asked rhetorically. "Yeah. I'm pretty damn sure. Jacque hates her even more than he does his wife and she's a little jackass. Though that last bit is just my good genetics. Wish she had the red eyes though."

"Flatter yourself some more why don't you." Joan rolled her eyes. "But seriously, have you even told Weiss about this? That you're her real dad?"

"Would you want to believe that?" Qrow asked. "Hell no she wouldn't. Besides…if I just go up to her and say, 'Hey Ice Queen, I'm your real dad', she's gonna have the good old General Ironwood arrest me and put me in an insane asylum for the rest of my life. Or file the world's largest restraining order." Okay, he might have had a point. Not the point in his pants. Bad brain. She definitely was not looking at the way his pants were slightly pitched. Nope. Though it did seem large to her untrained eye.

"Didn't I tell you to take a picture instead of just staring at it?" Qrow suggested with a wink. He laughed at the embarrassed squawk of protest and leaned over to boop her on the nose. "Gotcha."

"You did that on purpose, you jackass!" She swatted his hand away.

"Guilty as charged, Blondie." Qrow booped her nose again and took a sip from his flask.

"Would you quit calling me that dammit!?" Joan swatted his hand away. "My name isn't that hard to say! And really? You're getting drunk when you're supposed to be teaching?"

"I'm always drunk." Qrow shrugged. "Better than being sober."

"Care to enlighten me on that one, oh mysterious and brooding husband?" Joan rolled her eyes only to stop being a jackass back when she saw the somber look in his eyes. "Oh holy shit you're dead serious."

"Yeah I am." Qrow lowered his hand with a sigh, slicking his bangs back. "Being a huntsman for as long as I have, I've seen some things that I don't want you to ever have to see. Friends and family die in my arms. Being drunk takes away that pain and lets my mind be free of it for a short fleeting moment. I'm a shitty role model but a great drinking buddy. I wish I was the better role model."

"Well, you don't have to be a terrible one," Joan murmured. "Ruby and Yang look up to you a lot." So there was the reason he drank as much as he did. It was to numb his own mental pain. But regardless it was still a terrible way of coping.

"They do," he agreed. "For reasons beyond my comprehension."

"No it's because you're a good person." Joan stood up to him fully, even though she was shorter than him by a considerable margin. He was at least a half a foot taller than she was. To even attempt to look him in the eyes she would need a stepstool. "There's a good person in there." She briefly touched his chest.

"When the hell did you become my therapist?" Qrow cracked the faintest of smiles and ruffled her hair.

"When you drunkenly married me," Joan answered, smiling back. "Maybe you should get a dictionary and look up the word, 'wife'."

"How the tables have turned." Qrow chuckled and gave her a hug. "You went from hating my guts to this. I wonder if I rubbed off on you enough." He stopped and gave her a look. "Don't you—"

"Bow chicka bow wow." Joan beat him to it and ducked under the playful swat. "Ha, missed old timer. Getting a little rusty there?"

"Oh that does it, you little shit." Qrow let out a playful growl and reached for his sword. "You ready to get your ass kicked?"

"Ha. Bring it on, you old man." Joan smirked and readied her shield. "I'm not going down that easily now."

"We'll see about that."

Qrow swung first in a powerful arc. Joan waited until impact before she moved, losing only a hair of aura in the process and rolling with the momentum. She sprung lightly on her feet and ducked under the follow through strike, slamming her shield into his ribs. He let out a grunt of surprise and his responding attack forced her to jump back. Not before she stepped hard on his foot though.

"Ah, I see you're into fighting dirty," Qrow grunted, rubbing the spot she whacked him. "Good shit." He threw a punch and caught her by surprise, making her double over winded. "But still a little slow sometimes."

"Oof!" Joan caught her breath back and glared at him. "You hit like a fly."

Qrow's response was to thump her again. Okay, that one definitely hurt. Stupid rings made it worse. They were going to leave a mark for sure, even with aura.

"Dunno, that didn't look as though it felt like silk," Qrow said with a smirk. "You know where silk comes from, right?"

"Oh do shut up," the blonde huffed, swinging at him again and leaping over the kick.

"It comes from the ass of a worm," her jackass of a husband continued.

"You could have cleaned that up a bit you know."

"Ha. Don't get me started on where eggs come from if it makes you blush that much."

"Hey, since you're a birdman, does that mean you've guarded a bird's nest?" she asked out of morbid curiosity. "I can see you doing it once or twice."

"Sober or intoxicated? Because I can safely say I've never done it sober." Qrow laughed and his sword met Joan's shield again. "Nice block." He moved his foot out of the way of hers. "Nice try. That trick won't work on me twice."

"Drunk. Those tend to be the more entertaining stories."

"…you're recording this for blackmail purposes aren't you?"

"Nope. Though that is a great suggestion. I wonder how many people would watch it if I put it on the internet." Joan smirked and jumped back from his strikes. "Too slow, old man."

"Oh I'll show you slow when I have you bent over Port's desk." Her husband waggled his finger with a shiteating grin. "Thigh highs on or off? I'm partial to them staying on."

"Ha. In your dreams." Joan fought back a blush at the thought of being in bed with him again and focused on her swordsmanship. Her longsword didn't have the same sort of reach as his claymore, meaning she would have to get closer to him in order to be effective. It would nullify his reach advantage and she could press on a counter attack, provided he didn't swat her away like an annoying fly. _'Think, Joan. He's stronger, taller, and has a huge advantage in skill. So I have to play dirty and smart.' _

She bashed her shield against his sword in an attempt to stagger him and put him slightly off balance. His attack was disrupted and he stumbled a little, trying to regain composure. The handle of her sword hit him right in the stomach and he doubled over with a loud grunt.

"That looked like it hurt," she observed helpfully. "Does someone want a kiss to make it feel better?"

In response to her question, Qrow promptly scooped up a handful of dust and chucked it into her eyes. He liked fighting dirty too. Heh, get it? Fighting 'dirty'?

Okay, that pun was even worse than Yang's. Even she wouldn't stoop that low, right?

Actually, never mind. Yang would definitely stoop that low. If there was one thing the blonde brawler loved more than her hair, it was making the shittiest jokes known to humankind. Seriously, she had issues. It was enough to start the biggest food fight Joan ever had the pleasure of participating in. Getting thrown across the cafeteria by Ruby and smeared with food was well worth smacking Yang dead in the face with a pie. Preferably shaving cream.

"Ack! You goddamn jackass!" Joan was temporarily blinded by the cheap and dirty tactic, trying to rub it out of her eyes and swinging her sword around. She hit nothing but air and like before she landed on her ass.

"Not bad, Blondie. You're getting the hang of this." She felt herself get tugged up and she finished rubbing her eyes to see Qrow grinning broadly at her. "You did well. But this is just practice. I want to see how you utilize this in a real fight."

"…so you want me to throw dirt in someone's eyes in the middle of an actual match," Joan deadpanned. "Do you think Glynda will let me get away with that?"

"Yep." Qrow sounded so sure of himself. Joan wished she had half of his confidence. "She won't think twice about it. She puts up with me after all." He had a point there. Again, not the point in his pants. Stop looking.

Joan dusted herself off, wiping the sweat away. "Thanks, Qrow. I think I'll hit the showers before class starts."

"Can I come?" Qrow asked hopefully.

He let out a bark of laughter as she gave him the finger. "The only thing you do by giving me that dirty look is make me want to bend you over the desk."

"Oh do shut up before I kiss you." The blonde huffed indignantly, her cheeks puffed out.

"Make me." He stuck his tongue out childishly. Sometimes it was hard to believe he was in his damn thirties.

Joan stalked over to him, grabbed his smirking face by the cheeks, and yanked him to her height to kiss him. It was sloppy, it was messy, but for now it shut him up.

"…what's the occasion?" he mumbled.

"To keep you from running your mouth," she shot back.

She won this round. But that mischievous glint in his pale eyes was enough for her to know he'd settle the score.

_**A/N: So endeth this chapter. I have way too much fun with this pairing for how crack it is. Also, listening to Hollywood Undead while writing makes me do lewd things…**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


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